Cadet Mommy's Snowflake

[CAPDCCMOM]

I know that many of you have probably seen my, sometimes, snide remarks about Mommy's Precious Snowflake. Many of us that work in Cadet Programs have had to deal with this. The cadet of parents that refuse to understand rules, standards, expectations, grades, etc etc etc etc. apply to Snowflake as well as the rest of the World.

How do you all deal with them. They took away my duct tape a the last meeting. Seriously, what is the solution.

Thanks

[THRAWN]

This is up there with wing commander's spouses and the like. It's part of the culture. Eventually, they will go away. Document everything. If there is something that the cadet does that's out of whack, make sure that you're using the tools provided in the regs to document and if necessary discipline. It's no fun, but it isn't going away any time soon.

[NIN]

I know that many of you have probably seen my, sometimes, snide remarks about Mommy's Precious Snowflake. Many of us that work in Cadet Programs have had to deal with this. The cadet of parents that refuse to understand rules, standards, expectations, grades, etc etc etc etc. apply to Snowflake as well as the rest of the World.

How do you all deal with them. They took away my duct tape a the last meeting. Seriously, what is the solution.

Thanks

"I carry a flamethrower and get good results."

One of my favorite things in these circumstances is to remind mom & dad that their little cherub, while surely the apple of their eye, is just one of 5 1/2 dozen in my unit.  The rules apply to all 5 1/2 dozen more or less equally. 

If there is a systemic problem where all 5 1/2 dozen are affected equally, I'm all ears.  Example: The cadets & parents who came to me circa 2001 and asked that I put the kibosh on a few cadets in the unit who couldn't seem to get that swearing like a sailor != leadership (apologies to my favorite sailors out there). That one was easy. I didn't need cadet NCOs who thought they were Gunny Hartmann. Not cool.  Consider it done.

And if there is a systemic problem where something is going on where their little cherub is being singled out and treated differently by someone than the other 5 1/2 dozen cadets, then yep, thats a problem too.

But when Mom comes in and says "Timmy's grandmother doesn't want me to cut his hair" (aka "He's a delicate snowflake who needs to be allowed to express his individuality in ways that the regulations and custom don't permit") well, to quote Demo Dick Marcinko: "Doom on you." [EDIT: Whoa. 20 years after reading Rogue Warrior, it was pointed out to me that the phrase is really a colloquialism of a Vietnamese phrase that ain't too nice. And it was right there in the book.  Been a while, so I might be forgiven for mis-remembering. Please disregard that term and continue on..-NIN]

ETA: this is similar to the conversation I have with the senior member parents of cadets who come to me and say "I don't understand why my Timmy hasn't gotten his promotion yet" (when Timmy either a) hasn't completed the requirements; or b) is lacking in the leadership department and doesn't like the feedback he's getting from the cadet staff on a CAPF 50-x).  Especially when they're like the finance officer.

"You're not Timmy's mom at the moment. What about the other 5 1/2 dozen sets of parents who don't have the same level of access that you do. Are you advocating for them, too?"

[THRAWN]

"to quote Demo Dick Marcinko: "Doom on you."

You said a baaaaaad word....my conversational Vietnamese is rusty, but I remember that one....

[NIN]

"to quote Demo Dick Marcinko: "Doom on you."

You said a baaaaaad word....my conversational Vietnamese is rusty, but I remember that one....

Was that phrase intended as a way to remember how to say something bad in Vietnamese?

If so...
a) I'm a skosh young for that kind of colloquial Vietnamese to have crept into my collective knowledge;
b) I don't recall Demo Dick explaining (in the book) that it was something other than a catch phrase he used.

[THRAWN]

PM

[Garibaldi]

"to quote Demo Dick Marcinko: "Doom on you."

You said a baaaaaad word....my conversational Vietnamese is rusty, but I remember that one....

As do I.

[ALORD]

The Sharkman of the Delta using foul language? Inconceivable! I met him at a convention and he was exactly like you would think he would be like.

[Garibaldi]

Back on topic, I haven't  had to deal with this lately. I've posted numerous times about my experience, and the end result was basically giving her enough rope to hang herself with. She left eventually, not having learned a blessed thing.

Another DCC mom, another cadet. This one was hell on wheels. His older brother was no problem, and the younger one found CAP to not be his cuppa. I had the displeasure of working with this kid, and learning from my past mistake, every single time he messed up, I let him know about it. Repeated counselings by people higher up than me (like the encampment commander) did no good, and finally, once he realized I wasn't one to be treated the way he treated other seniors (they all were scared of him, but mostly afraid if they came down on him, his mom would leave, and she was a hell of a good DCC), and I wasn't afraid of his mommy, he found many, many doors that were once open to him shut close with a slam and lock. He eventually left when it was very apparent that he would rise no further than Chief, and would never, ever be on a ground team again. Once the older kid left, so did mommy. This was right before I moved, so I don't honestly know how they're doing now.

Point being, there's not a really good solution. Eventually, Mommy's Precious will probably leave once the hammer drops. No promotions, no first-naming senior members, actual work...sounds like that may not be her cuppa either. Start coming down on her for disrespecting her superiors. Make darned certain that if Mommy comes screaming into the meeting, you hit her with CAPR 52-16. This is not a social club. This is real business. If she doesn't want to play by the rules, then by all means, she can find something to occupy her time that suits her better.

Document, document, document. I can't stress that enough. The more paper you have backing your argument, the less of a leg Mama Snowflake will have to stand on. I now remember one other "involved " parent, who decided that they nor their kids wanted to play by the rules, because said rules did not apply to them, and they filed formal complaints. Every argument they made about how unfairly their kid was being treated, we countered with documentation and witness statements. Hard to argue that your kid is innocent and super awesome when you have a stack of papers saying otherwise.

[Tim Day]

I've had several sit-downs with parents. Similar to NIN's approach, I listen to their concerns, then I express my concerns, taking it from personal (about their Snow Flake) to corporate (about all of our Snow Flakes), while explaining our regulations. I then ask for suggestions that would achieve our corporate goals and meet the requirements of the cadet program. I also provide them with contact information to my Squadron Commander, Group Commander, and Wing DCP and let them know they are free to escalate to those levels if they're not happy with my response.

These parents have tended to divide themselves into several groups.
1. Those who dig into the program objectives and regulations and either come up with a recommendation or realize that I've already done the best I can.
2. Those who realize that it's a lot of work and decide to defer to me because it's easier.
3. Those who leave or withdraw to some minimal involvement level.
4. Parents who have a valid issue but didn't necessarily know how to communicate it.

I also keep a file of "paychecks" - emails or communications from parents who are saying thank you for leading the cadet program or for specific areas where they've seen good things happen with these cadets. After encounters with Mr. and Mrs. Snow Flake who refuse to cooperate, I review these "paychecks" to keep my motivation.

[Paul_AK]

But when Mom comes in and says "Timmy's grandmother doesn't want me to cut his hair" (aka "He's a delicate snowflake who needs to be allowed to express his individuality in ways that the regulations and custom don't permit") well, to quote Demo Dick Marcinko: "Doom on you." [EDIT: Whoa. 20 years after reading Rogue Warrior, it was pointed out to me that the phrase is really a colloquialism of a Vietnamese phrase that ain't too nice. And it was right there in the book.

It's been over a decade since I've read any of his books and that phrase is really the only thing I remember out of any of them.

But as to the topic, start at the lowest level engagement necessary and proceed upwards keeping both your chain of command, the parents, and any other interested parties informed of pertinent information. Transparency will save more members than it will harm.