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Duke Dillio
Salty & Seasoned Contributor

Posts: 794

« Reply #240 on: August 29, 2007, 02:27:33 PM »

Well, we could try the old funniest lines thread here.  Some of my favorites:

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
I can't seem to find the keys to my house.  Can I have yours?
Man, I wish I could do that...Well, you can but you might want to pet him first...
Hi, I'm a pilot in the Civil Air Patrol.

Bwa ha ha.
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Stonewall
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Posts: 3,991

« Reply #241 on: August 29, 2007, 02:31:25 PM »

Are your parents bakers, cuz you got some nice buns...

Someone call 911, cuz the site of you just stopped my heart...
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isuhawkeye
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Posts: 1,311

John's web site
« Reply #242 on: August 29, 2007, 02:32:56 PM »

.... that plane, well that's a c-130

.....  what do I fly?

...Well darling I fly the C-182
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Stonewall
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Posts: 3,991

« Reply #243 on: August 29, 2007, 02:35:10 PM »

Chick Peas, not a chick, nor a pea....Discuss

Rhode Island, not a road nor an island....Discuss
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Stonewall
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Posts: 3,991

« Reply #244 on: August 29, 2007, 02:36:23 PM »

Recently I was given a list of actual responses made to squawks, the Air Force term for maintenance complaints by pilots.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

------------------------------------------------

Fitness Reps

The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope

- Always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.


---------------------------------------------------------------

Which Service is Best?

A soldier, a sailor, an airman, and a marine get into an argument about
what armed force is the best. The argument gets so heated that they fail
to see an on-coming truck. They are hit and killed instantly. When they
arrive in heaven, they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. So they
decide he can settle their argument. They walk up and ask him, "Saint
Peter, what Military Service is the best?" He thinks for a moment, then
says, "Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you. But I'll tell you what. I'll
talk to God next time I see Him, and I'll find out for you. In the mean
time, welcome to heaven." So they enter. Later, they see Saint Peter
while walking around, and they ask him about their question. But before
Saint Peter can say anything, trumpets blare, a bright light shines, and
a white dove flies out of the light with an envelope in it's beak. Saint
Peter says, "Ah, here's the answer from the Boss." He takes the letter,
and the dove flies off. He opens it, trumpets play, gold dust flies up,
and Saint Peter reads aloud:

FROM THE DESK OF GOD

TO: SOLDIERS, SAILORS, AIRMEN, AND MARINES

RE: WHICH SERVICE IS BEST.

Dear Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines,
All branches of the United States Armed forces are truly honorable.
One should take pride in serving with the Military. You are all
well-trained men, all capable of pulling off your job exceedingly well.
Therefore, there is no superior service.

Sincerely,
God, US Air Force (Ret)

----------------------------------------------------------------

You might be a little too HOOAH if...

-Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".   
-Your wife has mermites in the China Cabinet. 
-Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry". 
-When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command. 
-Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse. 
-Your kids would rather get SIMNET than Nintendo 64. 
-When your family gets together, you call them "Slice Elements". 
-You butter your toast with a bayonet. 
-If your kids get a wrong answer in school they immediately drop and knock out 20. 
-Your personal license plate says "At Ease". 
-All of your kids' names begin with "AR". 
-Your grandmother won the Week of the Eagles. 
-Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield. 
-Anyone using the TV remote control must dispatch it first. 
-Your kids are hand receipt holders. 
-Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess. 
-Your dog's name is "Ranger". 
-Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox. 
-Your wife has a better high and tight than your commander. 
-Your kids sound off with "Airborne" or "Air Assault" every time their left foot hits the ground. 
-Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a National Stock Number. 
-Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school. 
-When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington. 
-Your kids call their teachers "REMFs" and the other kids at school "legs." 
-Your daughter's dolls wear starched uniforms. 
-Your daughter complained that her new Barbie's hair wasn't within regulation and then cut it. 
-If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand and an Article 15. 
-Your kids salute their grandparents. 
-Your kids get an LES with their allowance. 
-All your meals at home are MREs. 
-Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and stuck bumper numbers on them. 
-All your household possessions were issued by CIF. 
-Your kids get sent to the "big house" at Leavenworth if they're disrespectful. 
-Your kids complain if they can't have gym class five days a week. 
-Everyone does six pullups before sitting down at the dinner table. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Rangers vs SF

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Ranger Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing Jody cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Special Forces Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.

----------------------------------------------------------

15 Commandants of OPSEC

I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.

II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.

III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.

IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.

V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.

VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.

VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.

VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.

IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.

X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.

XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.

XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy cammo, for they pointeth to thee.

XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.

XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.

XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2007, 02:56:41 PM by Stonewall » Report to moderator   Logged
RogueLeader
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Posts: 3,621
Unit: NM-823

« Reply #245 on: August 29, 2007, 02:45:13 PM »

^^^^ROTF, LMAO!!!! that was so freaking hilarious.  I have not laughed so hard for quite some time.  Thank you.
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<redacted>

GRW 3340
Pylon
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Posts: 5,136
Unit: NER-NH-038

Michael Kieloch, Marketing Communications & PR Leadership
« Reply #246 on: August 29, 2007, 02:45:59 PM »

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Michael F. Kieloch, Maj, CAP
Concord Composite Squadron, NH       
Stonewall
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Posts: 3,991

« Reply #247 on: August 29, 2007, 02:48:38 PM »

DETERMINATION


* Deterimination.jpg (62.81 kB, 713x476 - viewed 97 times.)
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Stonewall
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Posts: 3,991

« Reply #248 on: August 29, 2007, 02:54:22 PM »

A collection of jokes...

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of
his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the
airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be
seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he
had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do
you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to
hook up your telephone."

---

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier,
can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The
voice on the other end asked. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half
dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of
motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep." "Soldier? Do you know
who you are speaking to?" "No sir." "This is Major Johnson, your
commander!" "Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "Not
yet!" "That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"

---

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were
chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on
the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the
fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their
maneuverability, weaponry and the like The C-130 pilot replied
"Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only
dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just
watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level,
and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says,
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots
say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies,
"Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back
an took a leak."

---

Q:How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

---

Q:What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot......

---

Q:What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

---

3 Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of
tracks. The first marine said "Those are deer tracks." The second
marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third marine said "You're
both wrong, those are moose tracks." The marines were still arguing
when the train hit them.

---

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They
were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching
for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that
crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"  The Chief turned to his barber and
said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
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Duke Dillio
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Posts: 794

« Reply #249 on: August 29, 2007, 03:27:05 PM »

That is soooo freakin hilarious.  I love the last one.  That is classic there!!!
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RogueLeader
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Unit: NM-823

« Reply #250 on: August 30, 2007, 07:38:22 PM »

Quote from: LittleJimmieDickens
Chicks dig Flightsuits rhinestones
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GRW 3340
RogueLeader
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Unit: NM-823

« Reply #251 on: August 30, 2007, 07:39:24 PM »

That is soooo freakin hilarious.  I love the last one.  That is classic there!!!
I know, saw some of those before.
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<redacted>

GRW 3340
Pylon
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Posts: 5,136
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Michael Kieloch, Marketing Communications & PR Leadership
« Reply #252 on: August 30, 2007, 09:20:25 PM »

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Michael F. Kieloch, Maj, CAP
Concord Composite Squadron, NH       
RogueLeader
Salty & Seasoned Contributor

Posts: 3,621
Unit: NM-823

« Reply #253 on: August 30, 2007, 09:44:48 PM »

What the. . . . . :o :o
That is one of the funniest things I've seen in quite some time.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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<redacted>

GRW 3340
SAR-EMT1
Salty & Seasoned Contributor

Posts: 1,502
Unit: GLR-IL-328

« Reply #254 on: August 31, 2007, 10:22:49 AM »



Note my reply to this thread in the file below.


* PancakeBunny.jpg (40.23 kB, 400x350 - viewed 64 times.)
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C. A. Edgar
AUX USCG Flotilla 8-8
Former CC / GLR-IL-328
Firefighter, Paramedic, Grad Student
Sgt. Savage
Seasoned Member

Posts: 240

« Reply #255 on: August 31, 2007, 01:52:44 PM »

Kirt, you now owe me a new keyboard.... and a clean pair of underwear. :D
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[img width= height=]http://www.af.mil/shared/media/ggallery/thumbnails/afg-050124-005.jpg[/img]
Stonewall
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Posts: 3,991

« Reply #256 on: August 31, 2007, 02:44:04 PM »

Roger that, Sarn't!
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PhotogPilot
Member

Posts: 94

« Reply #257 on: September 01, 2007, 01:19:23 AM »

Chick Peas, not a chick, nor a pea....Discuss

Rhode Island, not a road nor an island....Discuss

If a female half human/half fish is a merMAID, does that make a male half human/half fish a merBUTLER?
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Walkman
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Posts: 1,233
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Kris Walker Photography
« Reply #258 on: September 01, 2007, 02:15:14 AM »

One thing that's always bugged me-why is there a "permanent press" setting on my iron?
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Walkman
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Kris Walker Photography
« Reply #259 on: September 01, 2007, 02:23:07 AM »



You aren't the only one...
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