Recruiting Emails

[usafcap1]

How do you think this email sounds. . .  What could it use or should I cut some thing out?

Good (time of day goes here) (First and last names goes here),

Hi my name is (Recruiters rank and full name), I'm your Civil Air Patrol Recruiter. Just wanted to see if you were still wanted to join CAP. My contact info is at the bottom. If you have any questions re The Civil Air Patrol or if you feel you are ready to protect and serve feel free to shoot me an email or call me. Thank you for choosing The Civil Air Patrol and have a great day!!

*****= WOW!!
****=Great
***=OK
**=Could use some work
*=Bad

Thanks in advance

[a2capt]

"I'm * recruiting and retentions with Civil Air Patrol * Squadron **"

You are not "my" anything, and you are representing your unit of charter, nothing more. You can contact me at/via..  and yes, it's at the bottom too, but you can certainly put it right there. Makes it less like the cut and paste canned job it is.

I'm sure that the Recruiting and Retentions Officer is a senior member position, but there certainly be a cadet counterpart.  Though I've not exactly thought about it until just now in this reply, but I'm not sure I'd be having a C/A1C using a title that included "officer" in it.

Likewise, there is probably -a lot- more to learn about CAP than what a C/A1C already has been exposed to.  But.. that's another discussion.

[lordmonar]

Is this for a cold call or a follow up or a friend of a friend recomendation?

a) Don't use "good morning" or "Good evening"....you never know when they will read it.  How about Just "Dear ______,"
b) "just want to see if you still wanted to join"?  sounds to me they have already visited your squadron and said they were intrested but never came back. 
c) No useful information about when or where you meet.

For a friend recomendation or a follow up (say they gave you their e-mail at an airshow recruiting booth or left their information with NHQ's find a unit):

Dear Mr/Ms (insert name),

Thank you for interest in the Civil Air Patrol.  The Homer j. Simpson Composite Squadron meets at the Little White Hanger at the Springfield Airport Monday Nights from 6 to 9 P.M.   You can contact C/SSgt Maggy Simpson or Major Ida Crabapple at 555-1234 if you have any questions about the Civil Air Patrol and our squadron.  We look forward to meeting you soon.

Yours Respectfully
Capt Santa's Little Helper.

[RogueLeader]

I would use Airman, NCO, or Officer; depending on your rank at the time.  I would doubt that a junior cadet would be ready for that duty, but YMMV.

[Extremepredjudice]

I would use Airman, NCO, or Officer; depending on your rank at the time.  I would doubt that a junior cadet would be ready for that duty, but YMMV.

Does it REALLY matter if his title is recruiting officer, recruiting NCO, recruiting grand poobah, or lord grand master recruiter? He will do the EXACT SAME JOB no matter what his title is.

[RogueLeader]

I would use Airman, NCO, or Officer; depending on your rank at the time.  I would doubt that a junior cadet would be ready for that duty, but YMMV.

Does it REALLY matter if his title is recruiting officer, recruiting NCO, recruiting grand poobah, or lord grand master recruiter? He will do the EXACT SAME JOB no matter what his title is.

As a matter of fact it does and no he wont, because an airman doesn't know what a NCO does, who doesn't know what an Officer does.  Anybody expects different skill sets at each level.  I expect (in cadets) a Officer to know more than an NCO, who knows more than an Airman.

Therefore, if I see Recruitment Officer, I can expect a greater depth of knowledge that I can depend on, than compared to what would be expected of said airman.

That doesn't mean that the he won't do his best, as I believe he will.  He will gain that knowledge as he progresses in the program.  You don't want to set cadets up for failure by letting people over-expect and under-receive by peoples expectations.  Use the proper terminology for the grade he is at, and you will do fine.

[spacecommand]

"if you feel you are ready to protect and serve..."

They aren't joining the police department.  I would rephrase it with something else, such as: "If you have any additional questions, please feel free to ask me or to stop by one of our weekly meetings held at xx location at xx date/times where you can see how we operate and speak to more of our members" (or something like that). 

[Struts]

if you feel you are ready to protect and serve

Scratch that out and replace it with something that is more suitable to a volunteer organization.

[abdsp51]

Have your unit recruiting officer and cc look it over as well before sending it out.

[jeders]

Also, don't use 'shoot me an email' 'drop me a line' or anything like that. You are trying to present a professional image, and these terms are typically used in less formal more familiar situations.

[good stuff removed] "If you have any additional questions, please feel free to ask me or to stop by one of our weekly meetings held at xx location at xx date/times where you can see how we operate and speak to more of our members" (or something like that). 

This is a much more professional way of phrasing things. Though I would change 'feel free to ask me' to 'feel free to contact me.' A subtle change, but a meaningful one.

Have your unit recruiting officer and cc look it over as well before sending it out.

Absolutely. There nothing as fun as getting a call from a stranger who got an unsolicited poorly worded message that causes confusion  . Make sure that they give the green light to anything you do in their name before you do it.

[Struts]

A link to your unit website would also help them out.

[Pylon]

Good (time of day goes here) (First and last names goes here),

Hi my name is (Recruiters rank and full name), I'm your Civil Air Patrol Recruiter. Just wanted to see if you were still wanted to join CAP. My contact info is at the bottom. If you have any questions re The Civil Air Patrol or if you feel you are ready to protect and serve feel free to shoot me an email or call me. Thank you for choosing The Civil Air Patrol and have a great day!!

The grammar also needs some work.  It's not "The Civil Air Patrol" with a capital "t" -- "the" is not part of the proper name (as it is with "The Ohio State University").  "Protect and serve" is more commonly associated with law enforcement/fire/EMS and the military; a better choice of words would be something closer to the phrase from the Cadet Oath such as "serving your community, state, and nation."

You should also consider offering a link to additional information so they can read more.  Offer a link to an appropriate page on the NHQ recruiting website for Cadet Programs or becoming a SM as is appropriate for the person you're contacting.

How about:


Dear [Name],

We're excited by your interest in Civil Air Patrol and hope you're still considering joining our unit, which trains on [day] evenings at [location].  You can learn more about opportunities to serve our community as a [Cadet/Senior Member volunteer] at [appropriate URL].  If you have questions or want to talk more about what joining CAP entails, you can reach me at [ email] or [ phone #].  I hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,
[Name], [Grade], CAP
[Duty Position/Title]