EMT Jokes

[nesagsar]

It has recently been brought to my attention that Emergency Medical Services personell are no longer alowed to use certain language on officail reports.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart).

Rescuers may no longer use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe a patients mental status.

Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to [mess]), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper.

Descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome.

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

Radio reports should no longer include "CHAOS" (Chief Has Arrived On Scene).

Siezing patients are not "Doing the funky chicken".

FDSTW (Fell down, stayed that way) is not an appropriate finding for mechanism of injury.



Of course the good news is that the Docs and nurses are getting it too. Here is a list of items that should not show up on charts anymore.

GOMER - Get Outta My ER
DWPA- Death with paramedic assistance
EMS- Earn Money Sleeping

[CadetProgramGuy]

^^^been there read that before, although still good.

[isuhawkeye]

LOL = Little old Lady

FOF = Found on the floor

TMB = to many birthdays

[chiles]

DRT = Dead right there

[♠SARKID♠]

This is my dad's favorite EMT joke...

[smj58501]

VRWLTMAWHWRD= Victim Requests We Lie To Mother About What He Was REALLY Doing

PUHOGT= Patient Unclear How Object Got There

[flyerthom]

Other banned phrases:

Doin' the tuna -  seizure
Urban Outdoorsman - homeless with alcohol problems.
Frequent Flyer - uses the ER for family practice.
Recreational Pharmacologist - drug dealer
Undocumented Pharmacist - same as above.

When in uniform do not explain your job as I cheat Darwin for a living.

[Slim]

Additionally:

Falls may no longer be referred to as allergic reactions to gravity

Deceased persons may not be referred to as ARTs (Assuming Room Temperature)

CTD is not a valid diagnosis

Contracted patients are not referred to as sheet pretzels

Patients in a vegetative state are NOT status asparagus

[CadetProgramGuy]

PUHA - Pick Up Haul Ass

[isuhawkeye]

Squad 51 this is rampart Over

Go ahead rampart

I want you to start an IV of LR and infuse 1 amp of sodium bicarb

[nesagsar]

[JohnKachenmeister]

Three guys went fishing in Lake Erie.

One caught a fish, tried to net it himself, and fell in.

The other two waited for their friend to surface.  He did not.

One fisherman finally said:  "I feel so helpless... I know CPR and could save him, but I can't swim."

The other fisherman answered:  "I know what you mean.  I know absolutely nothing about CPR, but I'm a champion swimmer."

After a few mi nutes, the obvious answer dawns on them.  The swimmer dives in to retrieve their friend, passes him up to the CPR guy in the boat, then hops back in the boat.

"How's he doing?" asks the swimmer fisherman.

"Not so good.  I don't think he will make it." answers the CPR fisherman.

"Why not?"

"Well," the CPR guy says, "I hate to admit it, but I can't continue CPR.  This guy's breath is SO bad, it is making me sick to breathe into him.  What in the heck did this guy have for breakfast that makes his breath so rancid?"

"You know," replies the swimmer, "I don't remember what he had for breakfast."

"But then again, I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit, either!"

[isuhawkeye]

http://www.youtube.com/v/aBhIlt5gk10&hl=en

http://www.youtube.com/v/aBhIlt5gk10&hl=en

Edit: Stripped non-working HTML from post -TA

[Slim]

Three guys went fishing in Lake Erie.

One caught a fish, tried to net it himself, and fell in.

The other two waited for their friend to surface.  He did not.

One fisherman finally said:  "I feel so helpless... I know CPR and could save him, but I can't swim."

The other fisherman answered:  "I know what you mean.  I know absolutely nothing about CPR, but I'm a champion swimmer."

After a few mi nutes, the obvious answer dawns on them.  The swimmer dives in to retrieve their friend, passes him up to the CPR guy in the boat, then hops back in the boat.

"How's he doing?" asks the swimmer fisherman.

"Not so good.  I don't think he will make it." answers the CPR fisherman.

"Why not?"

"Well," the CPR guy says, "I hate to admit it, but I can't continue CPR.  This guy's breath is SO bad, it is making me sick to breathe into him.  What in the heck did this guy have for breakfast that makes his breath so rancid?"

"You know," replies the swimmer, "I don't remember what he had for breakfast."

"But then again, I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit, either!"

Sheesh, Kach.  That's just wrong on so many levels.

Yet so very true just the same.

[DC]

Q. What did the Paramedic say to the stroke patient with left side paralysis?
A. You're going to be all right!

Two EMTs are doing CPR on a coding patient when a nurse walks up and asks, "What are his vitals?"

The First Law of EMS:
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.

The EMS Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The EMS Law of Time and Distance:
The distance of the call from the hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.

Corollary 1 - The shortest distance between the
station and the scene is under construction.

The EMS Rule of Random Simultaneity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking - somebody is still missing.

The EMS Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to jail or going to the hospital by a police officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.

EMS Rules of the Bathroom:
A. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the
call will always be in the bathroom.
B. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.
C. If you have not just gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it,
because the probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to
the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.

The First Principle of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is
inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming
produced by that patient.

The Gross Injury Rule:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you sick, should immediately be
covered by 4x4s and Kerlix.

The EMS Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of
light to examine that injury decreases.

The EMS Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies
inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.

The EMS Theory of Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any
given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the
patient's illness or injury.

The EMS Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by
the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to
reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended
while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1 - Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations
which are furthest from sea level.
Corollary 2 - If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the
lights in the stairwell are out.

The EMS Rules of No-Transport:
A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away
from the home of patient whom you have just advised to go to the
hospital in a private vehicle.

The First EMS Rule of Bystanders:
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Second EMS Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is
a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.

The EMS Rule of Warning Devices:
Any ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a
hospital, with lights and siren, will be totally ignored by all
motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the
roads along its route.

The EMS Rule of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an
exception to that Rule will immediately occur.

[arajca]

Paramedics save lives.
EMT's save Paramedics.

[Hoser]

Everything you learn in school is wrong.
People will die and you cant do anything about it
People occasionally live because you did

[isuhawkeye]

^^^ Occasionally patients survive in spite of your efforts

[Slim]

What's the difference between God and a paramedic?

God doesn't think HE's a paramedic

[addo1]

  FORD: Found on road dead.
           Forgotten or redundant daily
           Fix or repair daily

[SarDragon]

  FORD: Found on road dead.
           Forgotten or redundant daily
           Fix or repair daily

Used to be - First On Race Day

[sarmed1]

forgot the EMS rule of 3's:
at 3 am the patient will be located on the 3rd floor and weigh at least 300 lbs.

Providers should no longer refer to cardiac arrest outcomes as transfered to the ECU (eternal care unit)

if all other treatment plans fail, initate a rapid diesel infusion.

i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i.... is not to be refered to as status hispanicus

contrary to popular belief; if you talk louder, slower and exagerate your lip movement, they will still not understand English.

All bleeding eventually stops

Air goes in and out as blood goes 'round and 'round, any change to this cycle is usually not good.

mk

[Slim]

Nursing homes and extended care facilities will no longer be referred to as God's Filing Cabinet....

[SAR-EMT1]

It was recently decreed at work that we (EMS ) are no longer to use the "@" symbol in our narratives. Many of the local ER staff are Indian or Asian and get hung up on it.

[flyerthom]

Terrible Tommy's ER Nurse Observations:

Observation 1:
The busier you are the more likely the number of visits will drop off dramatically at 6:30 so it appears to the next shift you've been goofing off the entire time.
Corollary A: If you've been light the entire shift at 6:30, 7 ambulances will show up and three chest pains will arrive in triage so the next shift comes into complete chaos.

Observation 2:
The louder they can scream and curse, the more likely they do not need a high acuity bed.
Corollary A : If they can't or don't want to scream - get out an intubation tray.

Observation 3: In most cases; Rudeness in inversely proportional to acuity - the ruder they are the less ill they are. Sick people don't have the energy to be nasty.
Exception A: 90 pound little old ladies with CVA's or hypoglycemia have the strength of a weight lifter on steroids and the attitude of a badger with inflamed hemorrhoids.

Observation 4: The more tattoos, the more likely they are afraid of needles.
Corollary A: The more afraid of needles, the more likely they are in the ER due to violence received from a fight.
Corollary B: The higher the incidence of minor cuts due to violence, the more likely they are to demand immediate care because they don't want to or "can't" wait.
Corollary C: The more they need a CT scan the more likely they are to refuse it.

Observation 5: It's not psych till it's sober and psych.
Corollary A: The ETOH / Recreational Pharmaceutical levels are inversely proportional to the therapeutic drug levels.

Observation 6 : The phrase "I can't afford my medications" will almost always be followed by "Can I go outside for a cigarette."
Corollary A: 50% of the time and higher on weekends sniffing will reveal a strong odor suspicious for alcohol.

Observation 7 : When it's all said and done, no matter where you are from, we all look the same on the autopsy table.
Corollary A: At the end of the autopsy, the brain ends up sliced and in a plastic bag in the bottom of the body cavity (in your *$$).
Corollary B: It may have been there prior to becoming deceased.

Observation 8 : The human capacity for stupidity will never cease to amaze me.
Corollary A: Warnings to stupid people only mean the stupid become more creative in their stupidity.
Corollary B: Truly creative stupidity does not require nor does it rule out a college degree.

[JohnKachenmeister]

Good!  I like those!

[DrDave]

My favorite during rounds:

LGFTD: Looks good from the door

Dr. Dave

[isuhawkeye]

For those of you who are aspiring health care providers I must recommend that you watch the first few seasons of scrubs.  It is the most realistic health care drama on television today

[nesagsar]

For those of you who are aspiring health care providers I must recommend that you watch the first few seasons of scrubs.  It is the most realistic health care drama on television today

Actually I prefer Emergency!

I have the first 2 seasons on DVD.

[isuhawkeye]

I did say "On Television today"

Emergency set the standard for our industry, and is the foundation of ALL EMS providers