My Armstrong Essay

[cadetesman]

Since 1776, the US military has been the most powerful force in the history of the Earth. There are many different elements within the US spectrum of force, and by far, the most vital is the American military aerospace system. This system is made up of Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine, and Coast Guard aviation, all fulfilling a vital and important role in the nation's defense. The raw importance of aerospace power was manifested on September 11th, 2001, when the twin towers and Pentagon were attacked, in addition to the capture of another aircraft which crashed in Pennsylvania. This terrorist act demonstrated just how underprepared the US was for an air based attack, and how the US in general was not prepared for any sort of attack. Essentially, American aerospace power is important and vital to national defense, as aviation moves the world, and is the chief protector of the US citizenry, economy, and way of life, simply due to the fact that it has the power to quickly intercept threats, whether they be on land, sea, or of course, air.
   Initially, American military aviation has protected the US since the 1900s. It was first used in WWI, in which American fighters and bombers would attack German targets, in order to cripple the German warfare machine. However, the first war in which US air supremacy was fully put to the test was WWII. In fact, the catalyst for American involvement in the war was the attack on Pearl Harbor, which was accomplished with Japanese aircraft. While tragic, and horrible, the US finally realized that in order to protect itself, a large and swift air based warfare system was needed. This was seen in both the Pacific and European theatres, in which American fighters and bombers effectively crippled enemy weapons production plants and military installations. In fact, the Army Air Corps and Naval aviators were so effective, that there is no way the war could have been won without their prowess, and the overall capability of US air power. Also, the atomic bomb, which ended the war in Japan, could only be delivered via an extremely well built aircraft, which really is an incredible demonstration of the importance of the American aerospace defense system.
   Next, fast forward past Korea and Vietnam, and we are at the First Gulf War. Within this war, American helicopters and airplanes were able to quickly take out Iraqi convoys, and liberate American oil wells in Kuwait, which are vital for our national security. US aircraft were so successful, that land forces were used very little, in comparison to other wars. The First Gulf war is also a great example of the importance and effectiveness of American airpower.
Finally, after 9/11, the US learned how important air defense and offense is, and developed numerous new systems, such as aircraft, to preserve our national security. Now with the threat of China, air power has never been more vital, and this will continue, because as long as there is a United States, there will be enemies, and as long as there are enemies, there will be airpower.

Its 519 words, just wondering if I could get some input....Thank you to everyone!

[Майор Хаткевич]

The US military did not really become dominant until after WW2.

[SarDragon]

What is your main point here? What idea are you trying to support? It wasn't obvious from reading. That should be the content of your first sentence or two.

[Eclipse]

The US military did not really become dominant until after WW2.

+1.  In fact I'd have to say that a lot of your assertions would be easily challenged.

[MSG Mac]

You make a lot of statements, but they're not very well connected. Check your facts, first use of military aircraft in combat was during the Mexican Border Campaign in 1916. Many other spurious claims. Very badly written.

[SJFedor]

I'm not an english major by any means, but let me ask you this. What grade level are you in? Not trying to be mean, just trying to understand your level of education to correlate it to your writing.

First, see comments before mine.

-What is the "military aerospace system"?

-Your reference to 9/11 and how the US is unprepared for an airborne attack is quite off. We were unprepared for someone to hijack a civilian airliner and use it as a weapon, but you can bet if the Russians flew a Tu-95 into or close to US airspace (especially mainland) we'd be quite ready for it.

Overall, it's a very fragmented paper that doesn't flow well. Start off with an introductory paragraph, set your stage about what you're going to talk about. Towards the end of the first paragraph, you should have a thesis statement, which is essentially "Here's what I'm going to tell you about". Something like "The development of airborne military assets over the past century has been pivotal in the United States becoming a super-power in the world arena" (off the hip). Then, spend the next few paragraphs backing that up, and do so in an organized and chronological order. You bounced from 9/11, to WWI/II, fast forwarded past Korea and Vietnam (when many MAJOR developments in US air power were first introduced, including equipment that's still in use today), breezed over Desert Storm, and didn't even mention the Iraq/Afghanistan conflicts, including the new(er) use of UAVs as front line equipment (which is a big point).

Do some actual research, make an outline, and write a good paper. This honestly looks like you flipped through the internet for 10min, and wrote whatever you thought.

[coudano]

Yep, if you were turning it in to me, you'd have to at the very least shave 19 words off...
Follow directions.  300-500 means 501 is un-sat.

American aerospace power is important and vital to national defense

There's your thesis...

Now think of exactly 3 main ideas that directly support or prove that thesis
List them here:
1.
2.
3.


Now for each of those 3, go find 3 facts that directly prove those,
1.
1a.
1b.
1c.

2.
2a.
2b.
2c.

3.
3a.
3b.
3c.


There you go, 3 good paragraphs.
State your thesis in an introductory paragraph before the 3
And wrap up with a conclusion after the 3.

[cadetesman]

First, thank you to everyone who was responded and helped. It is appreciated. Also, I am a rising senior, who has taken 2 years of AP English classes, have received college credit for one, and am awaiting the results of the other. Also, I am in the IB program, and have won numerous AP Government, History, and English awards...

However, I am really struggling with fitting all the needed information into the 300 - 500 word parameter...I wrote a "real" essay about the topic, and it took about 2000 words...I am accustomed to this style, as it is what the AP/IB curriculum requires...Please, if anyone could help me with strategies on how to condense and remain coherant, I will be very appreciative!

[Майор Хаткевич]

Don't condense....simplify.

[UH60guy]

Don't condense....simplify.

+1

If you have a longer paper you can start from, maybe that indicates your topic is too broad? Try narrowing your focus to air power in a single conflict. You may find that by holding the magnifying glass over one specific area, everything comes into focus and you can clearly articulate what the outcomes and problems are without needing to tie it to all of history writ large.

Examples:
As it is now: Air power is awesome, can't support it because too many events, not enough words.
Could become:
Air power in WWII: Air power took the fight to the German industrial base, hastening the German surrender by reducing their ability to field the machines over time.
Air power in Vietnam: Air power focused on close air support and the combined arms fight, greatly enhancing the freedom of movement for ground forces to seize terrain.
Air power in the gulf: We bombed the heck outta Saddam for 40 days, but proved air power alone can't win a war.

[coudano]

Yep welcome to being concise.
Write a 5 paragraph essay, like the outline I provided you.

Your paper will be direct, to the point, logically consistent, and quickly/easily digestible by all audiences.


...Unlike much of the junk that people turn in for AP   (and actual college classes)

[Critical AOA]

First, thank you to everyone who was responded and helped. It is appreciated. Also, I am a rising senior, who has taken 2 years of AP English classes, have received college credit for one, and am awaiting the results of the other. Also, I am in the IB program, and have won numerous AP Government, History, and English awards...

However, I am really struggling with fitting all the needed information into the 300 - 500 word parameter...I wrote a "real" essay about the topic, and it took about 2000 words...I am accustomed to this style, as it is what the AP/IB curriculum requires...Please, if anyone could help me with strategies on how to condense and remain coherant, I will be very appreciative!

Seriously?  If that is true then you should be more than capable of writing something much better. 

[SarDragon]

First, thank you to everyone who was responded and helped. It is appreciated. Also, I am a rising senior, who has taken 2 years of AP English classes, have received college credit for one, and am awaiting the results of the other. Also, I am in the IB program, and have won numerous AP Government, History, and English awards...

However, I am really struggling with fitting all the needed information into the 300 - 500 word parameter...I wrote a "real" essay about the topic, and it took about 2000 words...I am accustomed to this style, as it is what the AP/IB curriculum requires...Please, if anyone could help me with strategies on how to condense and remain coherant, I will be very appreciative!

Seriously?  If that is true then you should be more than capable of writing something much better.

I thought that, too, but then read subsequent posts discussing the standards he's working with in school.

They teach him literary and journalistic writing styles. We don't use those so much out here in the big, bad CAP and corporate worlds. So, it's not necessarily his fault that what he's shown us, isn't what we're looking for.

[MSG Mac]

First, thank you to everyone who was responded and helped. It is appreciated. Also, I am a rising senior, who has taken 2 years of AP English classes, have received college credit for one, and am awaiting the results of the other. Also, I am in the IB program, and have won numerous AP Government, History, and English awards...

However, I am really struggling with fitting all the needed information into the 300 - 500 word parameter...I wrote a "real" essay about the topic, and it took about 2000 words...I am accustomed to this style, as it is what the AP/IB curriculum requires...Please, if anyone could help me with strategies on how to condense and remain coherant, I will be very appreciative!

Seriously?  If that is true then you should be more than capable of writing something much better.

I thought that, too, but then read subsequent posts discussing the standards he's working with in school.

They teach him literary and journalistic writing styles. We don't use those so much out here in the big, bad CAP and corporate worlds. So, it's not necessarily his fault that what he's shown us, isn't what we're looking for.

They teach him to use redundant phrases, bad history, and spend 519 words without letting the reader know what he's writing about?

[CAPAPRN]

I realize the school system hasn't done anything of value since the last senior CAP Talk member graduated- but how about keeping the critique constructive and devoid of unnecessary personal attacks. These are kids asking for feedback. Not drug addicts trying to steal your lunch money.And now I will log off and allow you to trash talk me to death.

[Майор Хаткевич]

I agree to an extent...some folks went harsh, but you can't throw together 519 words, call it an essay, and then proclaim the high level awards and AP classes you've taken.

[SarDragon]

I realize the school system hasn't done anything of value since the last senior CAP Talk member graduated- but how about keeping the critique constructive and devoid of unnecessary personal attacks. These are kids asking for feedback. Not drug addicts trying to steal your lunch money.And now I will log off and allow you to trash talk me to death.

Huh? Personal attack? I pointed out my observations of the writing I see from today's students.

The cadets who post on here are getting feedback. Constructive feedback.

I've seen what's coming out of the schools over the years, and frequently what's taught in English class is not what the student needs to succeed beyond the academic environment. As an aside, I'll even acknowledge that my writing style here isn't what should be used on the Armstrong essay.

Another factor is that many students don't really care about their language skills because the classes are boring. Often excruciatingly boring. I counsel cadets about their writing on here, and I get a variety of responses: "thank you," "buzz off," or, most distressingly, "who do you think you are to be telling me my writing is bad?"

These public forums seem to bring out the bit of laziness that exists in most teenagers. It bothers me that they either don't care enough to use their otherwise good skills, or much worse, haven't acquired the skills in the first place. One of my reasons for participating in CT is to help cadets in this area.

[PSS]

Cadetsman:

Cadet, please don't take it personally, if you did.
You had the courage to put your work on line for every one to see and judge; it is after all what you requested.
Your pride in letting us know that you are on the verge of another milestone, came through, so much that you are willing to risk your ego getting bruised to share the excitement with us. 

Any of the topics suggested as essays for your achievement in 500 words is difficult, not impossible though.

You've been given some good advice, apply it, and perhaps, once completed, have someone rate it using the http://www.capmembers.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf or review it yourself and see how, objectively you rate your work.
As you may be already aware several of the NCSAs and RCLSs require essays, using the advice given: read plenty, practice drafting them, revise and polish.

You won't master it overnight but you may even have fun learning and it will serve you well down the road.

[HGjunkie]

IB english skills are a waste when it comes to writing things like these.
You have to condense, condense, condense. Don't make a graduate thesis, KISS.

[Luis R. Ramos]

SAR-

I do not think the post stating "personal attack" was addressing the one you posted. I actually find your message a compassionate one. It is MSG Mac who went over the top...

I am pretty sure by now the cadet has started thinking about those messages with positive, clear advice and modifying his essay...

Flyer

[cadetesman]

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate it...

Also, I am changing my topic to that of "Describe leadership mistakes you have made and explain what you learned from them."

I feel I will be able to more effectively write this, as it is more personal, and I can format it much less like a long research paper...I'll post the new essay at a later time...

Thanks to everyone though, I'll put into practice what you have all posted.

[coudano]

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate it...

Also, I am changing my topic to that of "Describe leadership mistakes you have made and explain what you learned from them."

I feel I will be able to more effectively write this, as it is more personal, and I can format it much less like a long research paper...I'll post the new essay at a later time...

Thanks to everyone though, I'll put into practice what you have all posted.

Cool, just stick with the same sort of format


Introduction
Mistake & Lesson #1
Mistake & Lesson #2
Mistake & Lesson #3
Conclusion

5 paragraphs @ 80 words = 400 words.
shazam.

[cadetesman]

Hey all, here is my new essay...much more focused, but please tell me if the topic is too narrow for the question. Thanks

In 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright would make the first powered flight. This act of powered flight would change the world forever, as it showed people that the impossible was possible, and that people could transcend the boundaries that the world imposed on them. While this was very important, another very important role of aerospace technology would be seen in its implementation in national defense, and this implementation can best be reflected in the usage of helicopters in the Vietnam War, which fundamentally changed how the American military and society in general looked at aerospace power.
   Initially, the most visible demonstration of American airpower in Vietnam can be reflected in the use of helicopters, specifically the US Army's use of the Bell UH – 1, the Huey. This is the iconic symbol of American involvement in Vietnam, and is the helicopter seen in every Vietnam War movie, game, or television show. Essentially, it was the definitive symbol of the American military in the Vietnam War.
   However, the Huey was much more than a symbol. In fact, it was a tool, and a valued one at that. An example of this is how on Huey's delivered countless soldiers to countless missions, delivered many supplies, and finally evacuated injured soldiers off the battlefield, in some incredibly prolific missions. In addition, the Huey was able to be armed, and could be used as an attack helicopter if none were available.
   Next, helicopters other than the Huey contributed to the American war effort. An example of this contribution is seen in the usage of AH – 1 Cobra helicopters by the Army and Marine Corps. These helicopters were able to quickly get to the battlefield, and hover over targets while laying down suppressive fire on the NVA and Viet Cong. Unlike aircraft, which essentially could make one run and have to circle back, these helicopters were able to maintain a presence over the enemy, and allowed for American ground forces to maintain an offensive. Clearly, attack helicopters were a very important part of the air based weapons spectrum of the Vietnam War.
   In conclusion, one may wonder how the use of helicopters in the Vietnam War reflected the importance of American aerospace power in national defense, and this question can be answered very easily. The Vietnam War showed America that helicopters were a vital part of National Defense, and that they were game changers in war, as the US forces would have been hurt significantly more without the medevac, gunship, and transport helicopters of the Vietnam War. But most importantly, the helicopters established a legacy which carries on to this day. This legacy is that helicopters protect the US and are a vital part of National Defense, as exhibited by their use by military and police forces around the country. Basically, helicopters showed the US that aerospace power is vital, important, and as significant as the first flight.

[Eclipse]

You're still all over the road.

First-flight to helos in about one sentence.

Helicopters as air power in Vietnam is certainly a valid subject, but go back and look at coudano's suggestions about the way to outline it before writing it.

[cadetesman]

In 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright would make the first powered flight. This act of powered flight would change the world forever, as it showed people that the impossible was possible, and that people could transcend the boundaries that the world imposed on them. While originally used for civilian purposes, aircraft would quickly gain traction within the American military, with fixed wing airplanes coming first, and helicopters next. In fact, one of the best demonstrations of the importance of American airpower to national security can be seen by the use of helicopters in the Vietnam War, and the legacy that these helicopters would leave.
   Initially, the most visible demonstration of American airpower in Vietnam can be reflected in the use of helicopters, specifically the US Army's use of the Bell UH – 1, the Huey. This is the iconic symbol of American involvement in Vietnam, and is the helicopter seen in every Vietnam War movie, game, or television show. Essentially, it was the definitive symbol of the American military in the Vietnam War.
   However, the Huey was much more than a symbol. In fact, it was a tool, and a valued one at that. An example of this is how on Huey's delivered countless soldiers to countless missions, delivered many supplies, and finally evacuated injured soldiers off the battlefield, in some incredibly prolific missions. In addition, the Huey was able to be armed, and could be used as an attack helicopter if none were available.
   Next, helicopters other than the Huey contributed to the American war effort. An example of this contribution is seen in the usage of AH – 1 Cobra helicopters by the Army and Marine Corps. These helicopters were able to quickly get to the battlefield, and hover over targets while laying down suppressive fire on the NVA and Viet Cong. Unlike aircraft, which essentially could make one run and have to circle back, these helicopters were able to maintain a presence over the enemy, and allowed for American ground forces to maintain an offensive. Clearly, attack helicopters were a very important part of the air based weapons spectrum of the Vietnam War.
   In conclusion, one may wonder how the use of helicopters in the Vietnam War reflected the importance of American aerospace power in national defense, and this question can be answered very easily. The Vietnam War showed America that helicopters were a vital part of National Defense, and that they were game changers in war, as the US forces would have been hurt significantly more without the medevac, gunship, and transport helicopters of the Vietnam War. But most importantly, the helicopters established a legacy which carries on to this day. This legacy is that helicopters protect the US and are a vital part of National Defense, as exhibited by their use by military and police forces around the country. Basically, helicopters showed the US that aerospace power is vital, important, and as significant as the first flight.


I followed the format, intro, symbolism as point 1, usage as 2, other helicopters as 3, and legacy and conclusion in the end....does the intro sound better now?

Thanks to all, I really do appreciate it

[coudano]

Hey, better.

The word count is in bounds.  Good!



Watch out for these things

In 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright would make the first powered flight.

mmkay so this isn't technically 'wrong', it's valid grammar.  it's just awkward.
Particularly since you don't maintain this simple conditional (from the past) tense throughout the paper.
It's like you are narrating a history documentary or something, I see the blur to white out and wavy screen effect going on here in my mind's eye...

Why not "In 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first powered flight."



Your conclusion paragraph here is really a better model of your whole paper.
There is more meat and structure in the conclusion than in the rest of the paper combined...

I still feel like you are skirting around the assigned topic some.

I'm sort of confused if this is about Vietnam,
or if it's about helicopters,
or if it's about the huey and the cobra (what about the chinook, little bird, apache, blackhawk, others i'm forgetting)
or aviation history,
or if it's about aerospace contribution to national defense <-- hint:  this one is the assigned topic

By the end of the introductory paragraph, there should be /NO CONFUSION WHATSOEVER/ about what i'm reading about.  The main idea (thesis) should be crystal clear to the reader.

each of your sub points needs to be directly related to your topic thesis.
if the helicopter's legendary status directly contributes to aviation's contribution to national defense, that's a case that can possibly be made, but i'm not sure you've made it...

So,
**Thesis:  american airpower is vital to national defense.  One vital aspect of airpower is the multi-faceted use of helicopters.
*Helicopters transport troops and supplies to areas that fixed wing can't reach
--for example:  troop insertions in vietnam (we were soldiers)
--for example:  supply drops and mail runs (forrest gump)
--for example:  fleet usage by navies
*Helicopters add combat effectiveness as gunships
--for example:  apache hms gun pointing and hellfire missiles
--for example:  door mounted saw "if they run, they're VC, if they stand still they're well disciplined VC"
--for example:  minigun on little bird "blackhawk down rooftop strafing style"
*Helicopters force-mutiply with medevac
--for example:  the golden hour
--for example:  # of troops 'saved' by helicopter medevac in the iraq war
--for exmaple:  knowing reliable medevac is available encourages fighters who know they might get wounded but probably won't die
**In conclusion, the helicopter has a profound and direct impact on the US conducting national security.  It certainly has attained legendary status reflected in movies and games, from its exploits as far back as Korea.



In this example outline, do you see how each of the 3 paragraphs directly /proves/ the thesis that has clearly been set forth?

And the supporting information in each paragraph directly supports that paragraph's main idea, with actual examples, and possibly even numerical or statistical data.

That's the target you're aiming for.
The word count limit is /intended/ to make you refine your structure and language so that you are direct, concise, and to the point.