My Armstrong Essay

[Perez]

I've just started pre-planning  for my essay now, and it's really benefiting me to see your drafting process from start to finish. Awesome improvement!

[vorter]

I'm keeping it 2 ideas per paragraph to keep the word count down.
Objection paragraph I think is needed so i don't lose those 2 points.
I changed the parts that you noted on.
Word Count: 497

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C/CMSgt Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
   America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. There is another type of aircraft that has far more reach than balloons or planes.
Way above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. NASA's Earth Observing System is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that pre-existing land systems can get much closer to places on Earth than aircraft, giving them more accurate observations. Another "con" is that it is costly to maintain aircraft and using land-based vehicles is much cheaper. Some of America's satellites may require repairs, and sending spacecraft up to repair or replace it can cost large sums of money. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Aircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
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I've just started pre-planning  for my essay now, and it's really benefiting me to see your drafting process from start to finish. Awesome improvement!

Thanks!

[onetimeoneplace]

I'm keeping it 2 ideas per paragraph to keep the word count down.
Objection paragraph I think is needed so i don't lose those 2 points.
I changed the parts that you noted on.
Word Count: 497

--------------------------------------------------------------
C/CMSgt Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
   America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. There is another type of aircraft that has far more reach than balloons or planes.
Way above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. NASA's Earth Observing System is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that pre-existing land systems can get much closer to places on Earth than aircraft, giving them more accurate observations. Another "con" is that it is costly to maintain aircraft and using land-based vehicles is much cheaper. Some of America's satellites may require repairs, and sending spacecraft up to repair or replace it can cost large sums of money. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Aircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
------------------------

I've just started pre-planning  for my essay now, and it's really benefiting me to see your drafting process from start to finish. Awesome improvement!

Thanks!

I like the approach you're taking on your essay.

I'm just going to post my essay, for the advice/criticism of the CAPtalk community (Not trying to 1-up you, Chief Hyeung, just expanding on the thread's topic).

(Word count: 472)
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Throughout my time in this program, I have learned a lot about the main concept and the various styles of leadership. However, even with the boatload of curriculum that has passed before my eyes over this time, nothing has taught me better than the mistakes I have made applying my knowledge of leadership to real-life situations. In my opinion, mistakes are important in the learning process because the impact of the mistake hits you hard, and sticks into your mind. There are two mistakes that come to my mind as changing my style of leadership.
   One of the most frequent mistakes I make is that when you need to address an issue, you should always address the group as a whole, without singling anyone out. For example, during my time in Alpha Flight [advanced flight in sqdn.], I would always single out cadets for very small mistakes. By addressing the group as a whole, I could avoid making the cadet in question feel guilty and embarrassed, as a result of letting the rest of his/her peers know that he "messed up". In addition, addressing the group about a mistake can teach the group about the mistake, and how to avoid it. Finally, singling a cadet out for punishment is an element of hazing, which should always be avoided. Now, I feel like I am capable of avoiding this mistake completely.
   Another mistake that I have constantly made is that you should always have a good understanding of the current topic. In Alpha Flight, I can clearly remember a time when I was leading the flight in PT, and since I did not read up on the exercises that the flight could perform, I drew a complete blank and later got "fired" for the rest of PT. This comes to show that if you are not prepared to teach, not only do you look bad in front of your subordinates, but your subordinates won't learn as well. The main way that our squadron teaches us to be prepared to speak about anything is by the Impromptu Speaking classes. You are given an out-of-the-ordinary topic to speak about, and you have to use all the time given to you to speak about the topic. Through this mistake, and the classes, I feel like I am more prepared to teach about any topic that is thrown at me.
   Through these two mistakes, I feel like I have advanced my education and training as a leader. I have stopped singling out cadets, and instead taught entire groups of cadets about avoiding the slip-ups of others. In addition, I have always prepared myself to discuss a topic, no matter how random the topic is. Having learned from these mistakes, I feel like I can be a very good asset to not only this squadron, but any program that I am leading.
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[CAPC/officer125]

I like the approach you're taking on your essay.

I'm just going to post my essay, for the advice/criticism of the CAPtalk community (Not trying to 1-up you, Chief Hyeung, just expanding on the thread's topic).

(Word count: 472)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Throughout my time in this program, I have learned a lot about the main concept and the various styles of leadership. However, even with the boatload of curriculum that has passed before my eyes over this time, nothing has taught me better than the mistakes I have made applying my knowledge of leadership to real-life situations. In my opinion, mistakes are important in the learning process because the impact of the mistake hits you hard, and sticks into your mind. There are two mistakes that come to my mind as changing my style of leadership.
   One of the most frequent mistakes I make is that when you need to address an issue, you should always address the group as a whole, without singling anyone out. For example, during my time in Alpha Flight [advanced flight in sqdn.], I would always single out cadets for very small mistakes. By addressing the group as a whole, I could avoid making the cadet in question feel guilty and embarrassed, as a result of letting the rest of his/her peers know that he "messed up". In addition, addressing the group about a mistake can teach the group about the mistake, and how to avoid it. Finally, singling a cadet out for punishment is an element of hazing, which should always be avoided. Now, I feel like I am capable of avoiding this mistake completely.
   Another mistake that I have constantly made is that you should always have a good understanding of the current topic. In Alpha Flight, I can clearly remember a time when I was leading the flight in PT, and since I did not read up on the exercises that the flight could perform, I drew a complete blank and later got "fired" for the rest of PT. This comes to show that if you are not prepared to teach, not only do you look bad in front of your subordinates, but your subordinates won't learn as well. The main way that our squadron teaches us to be prepared to speak about anything is by the Impromptu Speaking classes. You are given an out-of-the-ordinary topic to speak about, and you have to use all the time given to you to speak about the topic. Through this mistake, and the classes, I feel like I am more prepared to teach about any topic that is thrown at me.
   Through these two mistakes, I feel like I have advanced my education and training as a leader. I have stopped singling out cadets, and instead taught entire groups of cadets about avoiding the slip-ups of others. In addition, I have always prepared myself to discuss a topic, no matter how random the topic is. Having learned from these mistakes, I feel like I can be a very good asset to not only this squadron, but any program that I am leading.
------------------------------------------

You switch between "I" and "you" too much. This may be the college English class coming out in me, but "you" should not be in your paper at all. I would change it to something like "one" or "some" (I commonly use "one" in place of my "you" and it gets the same point across). In using "you", it is like you (as the writer) are saying that the reader *has to* or that the reader is directly involved, when they are not.

[coudano]

Chief Hyeung,
Your paper looks pretty good.  Much better than your first draft (go compare this one with your first draft).  Seriously, night and day.


And now, my case for why anticipating and refuting an objection is a poor fit for this type of essay (why the score sheet is bunk):

First, there is no requirement on the paper up front, that it be a persuasive paper.  A paper that is purely informative would not need to anticipate or refute an objection.  If you look at some of the other possible essay topics, it would be difficult or impossible to write in a persuasive manner that would imply objections and refutals.

Second, to really be done well, each objection needs to be its own whole paragraph with 3 full support sentences, and each refutation needs to be its own full paragraph likewise.  With a typical paragraph length of about 100 words or so, it would basically be impossible to fit the 500 word limit, and argue the case completely.  Thus we will see a lot of what you have done here, which is to say "a lot of people object because of x,y,and z, but they are wrong" though you haven't provided any actual facts, figures, or statistics to validate their objections, or your assertion that even with the costs, it's worth it anyway.  A typical (brief) philosophy paper, or position paper, will go -at least- 2-3 pages (1500-2000 words).  There just isn't room to do it right with these restrictions.

Third, it really doesn't fit the rubric format of a 5 paragraph essay, which is to say,
Introduction/Thesis, Support 1, Support 2, Support3, Conclusion/Emphasis.
To be fair though, at no point are you 'required' to write a strictly formatted five paragraph essay, to complete this assignment.  However, it seems to be the most usual approach, and as long as i've been around it has been the most common and best advice for how to write the essay on the Spaatz exam.


Thus, I suspect, that the writing evaluation sheet was probably not really THAT well thought through, in the context of the work that it is evaluating.  Additionally I find the assignment and weighting and totaling of points to be cumbersome and ridiculous.  Chances are (pretty) high that just like me, your squadron staff won't really use the eval sheet at all, or not the way it is designed.  In practice, in MOST squadrons, most cadets who turn in "an essay" get credit, and that's the end of the story.

I would make similar arguments about the speech evaluation sheet as well, but that's probably a different thread. 

If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.

That could have been a great main idea for a third paragraph, btw.

[coudano]

You switch between "I" and "you" too much. This may be the college English class coming out in me, but "you" should not be in your paper at all. I would change it to something like "one" or "some" (I commonly use "one" in place of my "you" and it gets the same point across). In using "you", it is like you (as the writer) are saying that the reader *has to* or that the reader is directly involved, when they are not.

I feel the same way, but going only by CAP's grading criteria, it's not bold letter wrong to use first or second person and/or active speech.

It drives me up the wall, but it's not technically wrong, in this context.

Of course, gratuitous use of 'one' is equally annoying, when it is utterly transparent that the writer *MEANS* to say 'you' and is just substituting another word there in order to simply follow a rule (to avoid getting marked down).  The intent behind the rule is to avoid accusatory bent in the language entirely.

[coudano]

(Word count: 472)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Throughout my time in this program, I have learned a lot about the main concept and the various styles of leadership. However, even with the boatload of curriculum that has passed before my eyes over this time, nothing has taught me better than the mistakes I have made applying my knowledge of leadership to real-life situations. In my opinion, mistakes are important in the learning process because the impact of the mistake hits you hard, and sticks into your mind. There are two mistakes that come to my mind as changing my style of leadership.
   One of the most frequent mistakes I make is that when you need to address an issue, you should always address the group as a whole, without singling anyone out. For example, during my time in Alpha Flight [advanced flight in sqdn.], I would always single out cadets for very small mistakes. By addressing the group as a whole, I could avoid making the cadet in question feel guilty and embarrassed, as a result of letting the rest of his/her peers know that he "messed up". In addition, addressing the group about a mistake can teach the group about the mistake, and how to avoid it. Finally, singling a cadet out for punishment is an element of hazing, which should always be avoided. Now, I feel like I am capable of avoiding this mistake completely.
   Another mistake that I have constantly made is that you should always have a good understanding of the current topic. In Alpha Flight, I can clearly remember a time when I was leading the flight in PT, and since I did not read up on the exercises that the flight could perform, I drew a complete blank and later got "fired" for the rest of PT. This comes to show that if you are not prepared to teach, not only do you look bad in front of your subordinates, but your subordinates won't learn as well. The main way that our squadron teaches us to be prepared to speak about anything is by the Impromptu Speaking classes. You are given an out-of-the-ordinary topic to speak about, and you have to use all the time given to you to speak about the topic. Through this mistake, and the classes, I feel like I am more prepared to teach about any topic that is thrown at me.
   Through these two mistakes, I feel like I have advanced my education and training as a leader. I have stopped singling out cadets, and instead taught entire groups of cadets about avoiding the slip-ups of others. In addition, I have always prepared myself to discuss a topic, no matter how random the topic is. Having learned from these mistakes, I feel like I can be a very good asset to not only this squadron, but any program that I am leading.
------------------------------------------

Not a bad start,

Of course, it doesn't follow 5 paragraph format, but as discussed, that's not explicitly required.
Unless you are a cadet in  my squadron, where *I* require it (haha)

There are an awful lot of places here where you are jamming a ton of empty words and unnecessary words in the middle of your sentences.  You could re-state your points more succinctly, and probably cull enough word count to add a third mistake/lesson paragraph.  There are also several places where the language strikes me as a little awkward, I think restating more directly will help clear those up as well.

The bolded sentence might not technically be a run-on sentence, but it is pretty dang close...  there are 5 clauses there in that sentence.  come to think of it, it probably does meet the definition of a run-on.  i'd break it up.

The actual prompt from nhq website is "Describe leadership mistakes you have made and explain what you learned from them."  I would use that language in the thesis/intro paragraph.  And note that the tense of the language is mistakes that you HAVE MADE.  Therefore, you should reference these mistakes in the same tense, in the paragraphs below.

[vorter]

So, I just turned in my speech and did my essay. Passed on both!
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano  )

[DakRadz]

So, I just turned in my essay and did my speech. Passed on both!
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano  )

FTFY

And you passed a writing requirement?

[vorter]

So, I just turned in my essay and did my speech. Passed on both!
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano  )

FTFY

And you passed a writing requirement?

Lol, fail.
And yes.

[DakRadz]

Congrats, Chief! Glad to hear my GAWG fellows are comin' up through the ranks

[coudano]

Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano  )

Anytime, just take what you learned and apply it to other projects in the future!

[coudano]

With a typical paragraph length of about 100 words or so, it would basically be impossible to fit the 500 word limit, and argue the case completely.

Just to drive this point home a little,
the full featured example essay in Learn 2 Lead chapter 8, is 920 words.
WAYYY out of range for the assignment parameters.

I just noticed this, while looking at chapter 8 for another reason

[Extremepredjudice]

Congratz!! :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Spiceman13]

Hey everyone, i'm new to this forum and was wondering if someone could review my essay. I'm presenting next week. Lemme know what you think. Hopefully ill have my Mitchel by the end of December!

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Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related. One could not survive without the other, they depend on each other. With that being said, to be an outstanding Cadet you must master both over your Civil Air Patrol (C.A.P.) Career. The logical place to start is follower ship.
    Follower ship is the base of your C.A.P. career. You will always find yourself using this skill, even if your a Lt. Colonel. Even though you may be a leader most of the time, you may have to attend activities which require you to be an outstanding follower. To be an outstanding follower does not mean to follow orders blindly. You must have a curiosity to understand why the orders are being given. That way you begin to understand what its like to be a leader. In the follower ship phase you must perfect yourself and all that you are so you are ready to be an example to others. Follower ship will envitably lead you into leadership.
    Once you master follower ship, you start the never ending journey of leadership. Its never ending because no one man can master this skill, one will always be learning new things about leadership. Bossing people around is not being a leader. Your orders should be thought through, and have a greater meaning or purpose behind them. These purposes and meanings are what you learn during the later phase of follower ship and in the beginning phase of leadership. Your primary goal as leader should always be to better your cadets. You must put your people before yourself. You should have learned how to take care of yourself effectively during the follower ship phase.
    As you can see, follower ship and leadership are two completely different skill sets, but you must master one before you can move on to the other. If you do not do this than you are not reaching your full potential.You will need both skills all through out your C.A.P. career and your life, so practice now so you can be perfect when you are older and you need to be perfect.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

[SarDragon]

You need to run it through a spell checker.

Review your apostrophe usage. Its and it's errors are the single most common problem in our language today. A good way to figure out which one to use is to read the sentence out loud as if each instance of either word is written "it is". If it still makes sense, use "it's", otherwise, use "its". Review "your" vs. "you're". Check spacing after punctuation.

CAP can be written as I have it, without the periods.

I would make "followership" one word, to match leadership. I know, the spell checker doesn't like it, but it's not a mainstream word.

If you have MS Word, use it, and its proofing features. Almost all of what I've pointed out will show up in the grammar and spelling checker.

And you haven't earned your Mitchell, in my book, until you've learned to spell it correctly. 

[jimmydeanno]

I would try to make the sentence structure simpler.  For example, this sentence is hard to read, "Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related."

Simplified, it would read, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets."  If you wanted to make it "complicated" you could say something like, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets, although they sound very different."

Simplifying your sentence structure will allow your paper to be read more easily, and more effectively communicate your message.  Be deliberate in what you write by leaving out the fluff.  Removing the fluff will enable you to add more content and stay in your length restriction.

[Extremepredjudice]

I would try to make the sentence structure simpler.  For example, this sentence is hard to read, "Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related."

Simplified, it would read, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets."  If you wanted to make it "complicated" you could say something like, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets, although they sound very different."

Simplifying your sentence structure will allow your paper to be read more easily, and more effectively communicate your message.  Be deliberate in what you write by leaving out the fluff.  Removing the fluff will enable you to add more content and stay in your length restriction.

Well if you want to be exact, he has AT LEAST a comma error in that sentence, probably an error with his ands. Depends if you want to argue about what he meant.

He is using however as an interrupter. It isn't supposed to be. It is supposed to be used as a conjunction.  If he was to use it as that, he'd need a semicolon and a comma. This is an example: She can fly a plane very well; however, she failed her FAA exam.

You could make the argument that "they are" is technically a sentence, but it isn't a very good sentence...

/endgrammarnatzi.
Yes, I know I don't have the best grammar on CT, but it is because I don't stress over grammar unless it is for "formal" writing, such as an essay, important emails, important forum post, or something like that.

[coudano]

Again, my standard is probably pretty high, so your local leaders may vary.



Of course, it doesn't fit 5 paragraph format, but that's already been discussed in this thread.
362 words is within parameter.  Although fixing some of the grammar and spelling might drop that down to close to the bottom of the range...

The paragraphs are weak.
Non identifiable main ideas.  Lack of direct relationship between support sentences and main ideas.
Could you rewrite this paper in outline format?  If you did it, would it make sense?

It's pretty conversational.  It reads like I might expect to hear your speech.
I prefer for the writing to be more formal, more professional,
less use of the word 'you' (in my opinion it should use that word never)

Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related. One could not survive without the other, they depend on each other. With that being said, to be an outstanding Cadet you must master both over your Civil Air Patrol (C.A.P.) Career. The logical place to start is follower ship.

Followership is a single word.  Just like leadership.
break this into 2 sentences:  and they are.  However, they are
The survival/depend sentence is redundant redundant.

The essay prompt you appear to be going for here is:  "Explain the difference between followership and leadership."
Yet you have not stated that explicitly in the introduction paragraph.

Follower ship is the base of your C.A.P. career. You will always find yourself using this skill, even if your a Lt. Colonel. Even though you may be a leader most of the time, you may have to attend activities which require you to be an outstanding follower. To be an outstanding follower does not mean to follow orders blindly. You must have a curiosity to understand why the orders are being given. That way you begin to understand what its like to be a leader. In the follower ship phase you must perfect yourself and all that you are so you are ready to be an example to others. Follower ship will envitably lead you into leadership.

CAP is abbreviated without periods.
your (which means something belongs to you) should be "you are"
Lt. Colonel. should be Lieutenant Colonel or Lt Col.  (in either event, no periods except to end the sentence)
envitably -> inevitably (i think that's what you're going for)

I would call that last sentence a logical inconsistency...  It's actually leadership that leads you into more leadership, though I guess you could argue the point...  I can cite you several examples where followership (indeed even personal excellence) does not inevitably lead you to leadership.  You didn't argue the point in this paper, so you don't get credit for making such a profound statement without any evidence or back-up.

Once you master follower ship, you start the never ending journey of leadership. Its never ending because no one man can master this skill, one will always be learning new things about leadership. Bossing people around is not being a leader. Your orders should be thought through, and have a greater meaning or purpose behind them. These purposes and meanings are what you learn during the later phase of follower ship and in the beginning phase of leadership. Your primary goal as leader should always be to better your cadets. You must put your people before yourself. You should have learned how to take care of yourself effectively during the follower ship phase.

In fact, you /probably/ start the never ending journey of leadership LONG before you /master/ (the never ending journey of) followership.

As you can see, follower ship and leadership are two completely different skill sets, but you must master one before you can move on to the other. If you do not do this than you are not reaching your full potential.  You will need both skills all through out your C.A.P. career and your life, so practice now so you can be perfect when you are older and you need to be perfect.

This being a comparison and contrast essay (describe the /difference/ between two things)
I would generally expect to see a structure like this:
Paragraph 1:  Introduction / Thesis
Paragraph 2:  Definition/Description/Examples of Followership
Paragraph 3:  Definition/Description/Examples of Leadership
Paragraph 4:  Contrast between the two (how they differ)
Paragraph 5:  Conclusion / Reinforcement

An alterntive:
Paragraph 1:  Introduction / Thesis
Paragraph 2:  Basic definitions of followership and leadership
Paragraph 3:  Similarities between followership and leadership
Paragraph 4:  Differences between followership and leadership
Paragraph 5:  Conclusion/Reinforcement