Standard paragraph for press releases

[RiverAux]

Since we've piling on the PA folks lately, what do you think of the new paragraph that PAOs are supposed to start using across the country (Leaving aside the "US" Civil Air Patrol, of course?

The U.S. Civil Air Patrol, the official auxiliary of the U.S. Air Force,
was founded on Dec. 1, 1941, less than a week before the Japanese attack
on Pearl Harbor brought the U.S. into World War II. CAP is a nonprofit
organization with more than 55,000 members nationwide. The
organization's members perform 95 percent of continental U.S. inland
search and rescue missions, as tasked by the Air Force's Rescue
Coordination Center, and was credited by the AFRCC with saving 58 lives
in 2006. Its volunteers also perform homeland security, disaster relief
and counterdrug missions at the request of federal, state and local
agencies. Members play a leading role in aerospace education and serve
as mentors to the more than 22,000 young people currently participating
in the CAP cadet program.

Three comments: 
1.  I think its been long enough that we can drop the Pearl Harbor reference.  The general public, who is the target audience for this stuff, doesn't care when CAP was formed. 

2.  I don't care to use "organization" in two sentences in a row.  Someone needs to break out a thesarus. 

3.  I'm not wild about including a reference to the counterdrug program.  Not because that in and of itself is a problem, but it will lead the curious reporter to ask follow up questions about just what sort of counterdrug stuff we do, which is a problem since we're not supposed to comment on it. 

[mikeylikey]

They bring up Pearl Harbor, but don't elaborate.  Either you bring up histroy and elaborate on it or don't bring it up.  You can easily say, CAP was fromed shortly before World War Two. 

They dive into statistics about lives saved from 2006.  Well, we are almost in 2008.  Use current stats from 2007 up to today. 

I don't like it. 

[JohnKachenmeister]

Too long, too many numbers.

M.E.G.O.

(My Eyes Glaze Over)

Try this:

"The U.S. Civil Air Patrol is the Auxiliary of the United States Air Force, and is made up of volunteers who serve America without compensation.  CAP maintains the largest fleet of light aircraft in the world, positioned at key airports around the country.  CAP performs important Air Force missions such as inland search and rescue, homeland security, and disaster relief.  CAP also operates a vital and exciting cadet program for America's youth.  CAP has been continuously serving since just before World War II, and is the only military auxiliary to have served in actual combat."

It is, in my opinion, better than what National came up with, and I haven't had my coffee yet.

[RiverAux]

Not bad at all.  I would drop your last sentence as even though it is technically true, it would tend to mislead people about what CAP has been doing since WWII. 

[Pylon]

"The U.S. Civil Air Patrol is the Auxiliary of the United States Air Force, and is made up of volunteers who serve America without compensation.

Volunteer and "serving without compensation" in the same sentence is redundant.  They both imply the same thing, lose one.

CAP maintains the largest fleet of light aircraft in the world, positioned at key airports around the country. 

I don't know about "light" aircraft, but the statistic has always been worded as "CAP maintains the largest fleet of single engine aircraft in the world."  I would keep wording consistent with what NHQ tells us.

CAP also operates a vital and exciting cadet program for America's youth. 

Vital?  Hmmm... I'd try a different structure and wording for the sentence on the cadet program.   Not to mention every sentence begins with "CAP"  (i/e: CAP does this, CAP has that, CAP has this, CAP does that.), so it begins to read like a list.

CAP has been continuously serving since just before World War II, and is the only military auxiliary to have served in actual combat."

"CAP has been continuously serving since just before" is an awkward word structure.  In addition, indicating that we're the only auxiliary (of two) to have served in actual combat is irrelavant.  If I only have a couple of sentences to explain what Civil Air Patrol is, combat will not be a word anywhere near my verbiage. 

Try instead something like: "Civil Air Patrol volunteers have been serving since 1941."  Short, sweet, tells the story.  We know everybody during WWII was doing their part.

It is, in my opinion, better than what National came up with, and I haven't had my coffee yet.

I've got the pot on.  Swing by my office for a free cup. 

[NYWG Historian]

As a former cadet, my read of the last sentence of National's version galls me--it implies that cadets aren't members and that only members (read "seniors", "officers" or whatever we're supposed to be called now) mentor cadets.  In reality, I see an awful lot of cadets mentoring cadets, and doing a fine job of it.

[dwb]

Here's what I've been using in my press releases for the past few years:

Civil Air Patrol, the auxiliary of the U.S. Air Force, is a nonprofit organization with almost 60,000 members nationwide.  It is congressionally chartered with three missions: emergency services, aerospace education and cadet programs.  The local squadron meets at the U.S. Army Reserve Center on Electronics Parkway in Liverpool, every Wednesday from 7:00-9:00pm, and offers a cadet program for youth 12-18 years old and an adult program for pilots, aviation enthusiasts, and cadet mentors.

Short and sweet.

[JohnKachenmeister]

Actually, there were more than 2 military auxiliaries during WWII.  There was, of course, CAP, but there was also the CG Auxiliary (the only other one still operating), the Women Air Service Pilots, the Ground Observer Corps (which went by a couple of names during the war), and the Civil Air Reserve, which had the duty of guarding airports against enemy sabotage.  There were probably others that I can't think of.  The fact that CAP, alone among such military auxiliary forces, has a battle history should be a point of pride among all of us.

"Volunteer" and "Serve without compensation" are not necessarily the same thing.  I could volunteer for jump school, and I would get paid jump pay.  We have an "All-volunteer military" but we still have a Finance Corps.

Other than those quibbles, you are probably correct on the rest.  Although I think you was a little tough on me since I freely admitted I had not yet had my morning coffee.  I used the term "Light aircraft" because issues such as the number of engines is confusing to civilians.  Also, we do have a few gliders, too.

[Pylon]

Actually, there were more than 2 military auxiliaries during WWII.  There was, of course, CAP, but there was also the CG Auxiliary (the only other one still operating), the Women Air Service Pilots, the Ground Observer Corps (which went by a couple of names during the war), and the Civil Air Reserve, which had the duty of guarding airports against enemy sabotage.  There were probably others that I can't think of.  The fact that CAP, alone among such military auxiliary forces, has a battle history should be a point of pride among all of us.

"Volunteer" and "Serve without compensation" are not necessarily the same thing.  I could volunteer for jump school, and I would get paid jump pay.  We have an "All-volunteer military" but we still have a Finance Corps.

Other than those quibbles, you are probably correct on the rest.  Although I think you was a little tough on me since I freely admitted I had not yet had my morning coffee.  I used the term "Light aircraft" because issues such as the number of engines is confusing to civilians.  Also, we do have a few gliders, too.

Hey John,

Sorry if I sounded a bit tough. 

Interesting note about the various auxiliaries.  I guess I'm ashamed to not have known that, with the history degree hanging on the wall next to me. 

As for the combat reference, I agree it should be a point of pride.  But what I said in my last post stands.  If I have only a few sentences to quickly explain to an outsider what Civil Air Patrol is, I may only make one quick reference to our history.  Our history is important, but you're trying to explain to the reader (in the least amount of words possible) who are are now.  History is a part of who we are, but I think a simple reference to CAP serving since 1941 does the part in a non-history related press release.  If the release is about 18-year-old Cadet Johnny Walker receiving his Ground Team Badge at the local Podunk Composite, the fact that CAP used to help out in combat, sometimes, but not primarily, isn't too relavent.

I'll agree with you on the point about volunteer and serving without compensation not always meaning the same thing.  How about a compromise.  How about change volunteer to professional.  Remember the whole discussion (I believe in one of the Iowa Wing threads) about not using "volunteer" terminology, but rather "professionals serving without compensation".  I think "professional" or even "community members" (because at the end of the day, we're all just members of our community) might sound better and flow better.  Your thoughts?

I'll try to work up a personal suggestion for the media release boilerplate later today and post it for everyone to scrutinize.  Only fair, after all.   

[JohnKachenmeister]

The U.S. Civil Air Patrol is the Auxiliary of the United States Air Force, and is made up of community members who serve without comensation.  Organized just prior to America's entry into World War II, CAP patrolled the Atlantic and Gulf coasts for enemy submarines as well as performing other important wartime missions.  Today CAP operates the largest fleet of light aircraft in the world, and continues to perform missions for the Air Force in such vital areas as inland search-and-rescue, homeland security, and disaster relief operations.  CAP also has a cadet program that provides aerospace and leadership training to thousands of American youth.

This is after 2.5 cups.  Any better?

[Pylon]

The U.S. Civil Air Patrol is the Auxiliary of the United States Air Force, and is made up of community members who serve without comensation.  Organized just prior to America's entry into World War II, CAP patrolled the Atlantic and Gulf coasts for enemy submarines as well as performing other important wartime missions.  Today CAP operates the largest fleet of light aircraft in the world, and continues to perform missions for the Air Force in such vital areas as inland search-and-rescue, homeland security, and disaster relief operations.  CAP also has a cadet program that provides aerospace and leadership training to thousands of American youth.

This is after 2.5 cups.  Any better?

I's likes it!   

...now I need to find my coffee.

[Ricochet13]

The U.S. Civil Air Patrol is the Auxiliary of the United States Air Force, and is made up of community members who serve without comensation.  Organized just prior to America's entry into World War II, CAP patrolled the Atlantic and Gulf coasts for enemy submarines as well as performing other important wartime missions.  Today CAP operates the largest fleet of light aircraft in the world, and continues to perform missions for the Air Force in such vital areas as inland search-and-rescue, homeland security, and disaster relief operations.  CAP also has a cadet program that provides aerospace and leadership training to thousands of American youth.

This is after 2.5 cups.  Any better?

I's likes it!   

...now I need to find my coffee.

"The U.S. Civil Air Patrol is the Auxiliary of the United States Air Force, and is made up of ordinary citizens who serve without compensation.  Organized just prior . . . "

I was thinking about the "ordinary citizen" and how to associate CAP with plain folks who might wish to participate.  Just a thought about appealing to neighbors.

[dwb]

Although I'm against the whole "U.S. Civil Air Patrol" thing in general, I think it's really unnecessary when the word "United States" appears five words later.

[mikeylikey]

We have an "All-volunteer military" but we still have a Finance Corps.

hahahahahhahaha.......A Finance Corps that barely does thier job.  DFAS is by far the worst government crap hole ever invented. 

[RogueLeader]

who serve without comensation. 

That's not quite accurate, because we are compensated some.  Such as fuel for missions, and some exercises.  We are also allowed to deduct our dues, uniforms, mileage on our taxes.
YMMV

[pixelwonk]

Non-concur.
Compensation is something, such as money, [or goods] given or received as payment or reparation, as for a service or loss.

compensation. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved August 16, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/compensation

Reimbursement for gas, oil, etc... is not compensation.
Free gas or oil at the FBO because they love CAP members... that's compensation.

A tax deduction for Civil Air Patrol related purchases or payments is not compensation.
Paying no taxes for anything just because you are in CAP... that's compensation. 

The differences in these examples being that there are parties (the AF) that pay for things we do, so that we may do them.

Not for us doing them.

[Major Carrales]

I don't see any problems with the paragraph, give the media the full story...they edit if down as it is.