Armstrong essay feedback needed

[RC007]

•   Explain why America's aerospace power is to national security.

The benefit of height and being able to look down on someone is a strong sign of dominance. Over time this has evolved from the highest hill in the area to satellites orbiting every day around the globe. America's aerospace power is vital to its own national security through their intertwined relationship; by the advantages offered from complete air superiority and the maintenance of the United States as the world's only superpower.

Aerospace power is one of the key reasons the United States came out of the Cold War as the world's remaining superpower. Airpower is "The ability to project power from the air and space to influence the behaviour of people or the course of events" according to the Royal Air Force. This is an extremely important capability in today's world where the majority of our enemies are thousands of miles away and numerically stronger than us. While the threat of the Soviet bear is gone; it has fragmented into dozens of deadly snakes ready to strike at any moment.  By being kept aware of what other countries around the world are planning, the United States can help defuse future conflicts. These abilities exemplify the principle of the best offense is sometimes the best defense. No other country in the world is able to match the United States aerospace power and this edge should be maintained at all times.

Without the current aerospace power edge it has; the US will be hard pressed to maintain its role as the world's policeman. If the US lets the technological edge in airpower and space degrade any further, other countries will have the ability to enforce their own will at the expense of others. In America's current role as the world's policeman, the edge it has in aerospace power allows it to enforce the democratic rules laid down. If other nation's military forces reach the same level as the US, it will not be easy to enforce the same laws. Some of these countries would not use their newfound power for good, but for personal aims which may not align with those of their neighbors. The world needs a constant stabilizing force that the United States of America has offered for decades. As the world's remaining superpower it is America's role stand up to the evil and help the weak; only with continued aerospace power can this be achieved.

"To speak softly and carry a big stick" is a famous quote heard from Teddy Roosevelt America's 26th president. The big stick today is the current aerospace edge unmatched by any other nation on the face of this planet. America's aerospace power is vital to its own national security through their intertwined relationship; by the advantages offered from complete air superiority and the maintenance of the United States as the world's only superpower. Without this advantage the next time America speaks softly no one will listen.

[lordmonar]

Explain why America's aerospace power is to national security.

Explain what?


Beyond that.....remember this formation

Introduction:
- Attention Getter
- Theisis statement
- Summarize your main points
- Transition

Body:
- Main Point #1
- Main Point #2
- Main Point #3

Closing:
Summarize your main points
Restate Theisis


Currently your essay....has no clear theisis statment.  What is it really about....what point are you trying to make?
Your essay has no organisation.  It shoule flow from one main point to the next in some sort of logical pattern.
You metion something about "their 1ntertwined relationship".....who/what is intertwined?

In your third paragraph....you make an assertion that "with out the current aerospace pwoer edge it ha; the US will be hard pressed..."
Good start....but you need to suppor this.  Who is doing what to catch up and/or overtake the U.S. ?

Also you need to watch your patriotic rhetoric "..power allows it [The U.S.] to enforce the democratic rules liad down."  What rules?  Laid down by whom?  Where exactly have we enforced these rules?

Again....you make an unsuppored assertion about the world needs a stablizing force and that the U.S. provides it.

Suggestions:

Start over.

Pick your theasis statment..(such as)..."Aerospace Power is important to America's forgein policy".
Now pick three main points that support that theisis.
Then write your opening and closing.

You have to know what you are trying to say.....currently you are explaining about aerospace power, urging the reader to understand that we are losing our edge and then pumping up the patriotism that we are the best and no one come close.

So....like I said.....a major rethink/rewrite is in order.

1.  Thesis statment.....simple sentance that answeres "what is this essay about?"
2.  Three points that support the thesis statement.
3.  Organise the main points in to some sort of logical flow....chonological, geographical, cause-effect, alphabetic.
4.  Each main point has an induction sentance and 2-3 supporting points and then a transition.
5.  The opening should state clearly the thesis, list the main points and provide a transistion.
6.  The closeing should contain a conclusion, restate the thesis statment and relist the main points.

Learn this method and format and it will carry you thourgh a lot of activites.

[HGjunkie]

Probably left out "Important" or something similar.

[Paul Creed III]

Also,  I would recommend a read of the critique form that will be used to evaluate your essay. The senior member grading your essay will use this form to determine if the essay meets the requirements for promotion when they sit down to review the essay with you.

http://members.gocivilairpatrol.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf

[coudano]

I suggest doing this outline before you start writing.
Ignore the introduction and conclusion at first...

first just do the paper main thesis and the 3 main ideas.  make sure that the MI's support the thesis.
THEN, one at a time, do the support for each main idea, and make sure each support supports that paragraph's main idea.

Then you can write it out into full length sentences and paragraphs that will form your essay.


Paper Main Thesis:

Main Idea #1
mi1 support:
mi1 support:
mi1 support:

Main Idea #2:
mi2 support:
mi2 support:
mi2 support:

Main Idea #3
mi3 support:
mi3 support:
mi3 support:

[HGjunkie]

Thesis

Main ideas: 2-4

Sentences per idea: 2-6

Conclusion should conclude/reinforce all the evidence toward your thesis, not necessarily re-state the thesis itself. Also, never bring more supporting evidence into the conclusion that hasn't been introduced in the actual essay.


Save room for not only presenting evidence, but also analyzing it and linking it all together. Use the format that best fits the need, Personally I hate using the 5 paragraph 5 sentence each approach. It stifles creativity and free-writing it withing a loose framework gives more opportunity for an incredibly awesome essay.

[lordmonar]

Thesis

Main ideas: 2-4

Sentences per idea: 2-6

Conclusion should conclude/reinforce all the evidence toward your thesis, not necessarily re-state the thesis itself. Also, never bring more supporting evidence into the conclusion that hasn't been introduced in the actual essay.


Save room for not only presenting evidence, but also analyzing it and linking it all together. Use the format that best fits the need, Personally I hate using the 5 paragraph 5 sentence each approach. It stifles creativity and free-writing it withing a loose framework gives more opportunity for an incredibly awesome essay.

At this stage in the game.....creativity and free-writing are not the goals.

Stick with the basic frame work.  When you get to college you can expand your writing styles there.

KISS.....Keep it Simple Stupid!

[Sapper168]

Recently went back to college an had to take the standard composition class.  The first thing they did was to tell us not to ever use the five paragraph essay . Would love to see the look on my old Junior year English teachers face when she heard this....

[HGjunkie]

Recently went back to college an had to take the standard composition class.  The first thing they did was to tell us not to ever use the five paragraph essay . Would love to see the look on my old Junior year English teachers face when she heard this....

It's my 10th grade History Teacher who's let us in on the evils of the 5P essay...  :angel:

[coudano]

yah well military writing is certainly different than other types of writing,
and different styles and venues have different strengths and weaknesses.

but when you're writing for "us" you need to do it "our way"

[lordmonar]

Recently went back to college an had to take the standard composition class.  The first thing they did was to tell us not to ever use the five paragraph essay . Would love to see the look on my old Junior year English teachers face when she heard this....

Composition is not the same as research papers.

And when I went to college....all of my papers except those in English 101.....were based on the standard 5 part model, and I was a history major....so I wrote a lot of papers.

[RC007]

I appreciate all of the input from everyone so far and am working at my essay once again. I stuck with the Intro, 2 body paragraphs, and conclusion format, because I  think that 500 words split into 5 paragraphs would be spreading myself too thin. Thanks again for all of the help and I'll be sure to update how things are going later.

[Daniel]

One thing not covered by the other

Pres. Roosevelt was quoting a West African proverb.