My Armstrong Essay

Started by vorter, August 29, 2011, 03:48:41 AM

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vorter

So, it's that time where I have to do the essay/speech/2 exams.
I did my essay on "The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science".
It's 696 words, about 200 word longer than the max, but I hope it wont be a problem...
I'd appreciate any critique or compliments!

I also have a question, can I do my speech on the same topic as my essay?

Here's the scoring sheet: http://www.capmembers.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf

C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. After a few hours at the beach, he goes to the park with friends and launches model rockets. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. Finally, rockets would not even have existed if not for the scientists who designed them. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
   Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
   High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
   Many will consider this last aspect of aerospace useless and wasteful, while others consider it one of the most important topics that exist. It is space exploration. Those who are against space exploration usually only think about the difficult to obtain main objective which is discovering new extraterrestrial locations, hoping to find life or resources. Although, that is indeed important and what we are aiming for, many new technologies have sprouted from space exploration such as robotics and medical discoveries in micro-gravity. In the end, we will eventually have to find a location in space to either move to or export resources from in order to preserve the human race. Space exploration is possibly the most controversial aerospace topic, but in the long run, it will benefit America and everyone else on Earth greatly.
   There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. Exploration of the "final frontier" unveils great technologies and in the long run, could be what saves mankind. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.
C/2nd Lt Hyeung

davidsinn

Quote from: vorter on August 29, 2011, 03:48:41 AM
So, it's that time where I have to do the essay/speech/2 exams.
I did my essay on "The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science".
It's 696 words, about 200 word longer than the max, but I hope it wont be a problem...
I'd appreciate any critique or compliments!

I also have a question, can I do my speech on the same topic as my essay?

Here's the scoring sheet: http://www.capmembers.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf

C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. After a few hours at the beach, he goes to the park with friends and launches model rockets. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. Finally, rockets would not even have existed if not for the scientists who designed them. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
   Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
   High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
   Many will consider this last aspect of aerospace useless and wasteful, while others consider it one of the most important topics that exist. It is space exploration. Those who are against space exploration usually only think about the difficult to obtain main objective which is discovering new extraterrestrial locations, hoping to find life or resources. Although, that is indeed important and what we are aiming for, many new technologies have sprouted from space exploration such as robotics and medical discoveries in micro-gravity. In the end, we will eventually have to find a location in space to either move to or export resources from in order to preserve the human race. Space exploration is possibly the most controversial aerospace topic, but in the long run, it will benefit America and everyone else on Earth greatly.
   There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. Exploration of the "final frontier" unveils great technologies and in the long run, could be what saves mankind. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.

You need to lose 196 words. It is a problem because the requirements say 300-500 words. That means not 299 and not 501. I'm not even going to bother reading it since it will change so drastically to meet the requirements. That requirement exists for a reason...Can you figure out why?
Former CAP Captain
David Sinn

Майор Хаткевич

Because most students, even in college struggle to put 500+ words together?

coudano

First off, good on you for seeking input on your paper!
That shows an important quality that I am always looking for in up and coming leaders.

QuoteI also have a question, can I do my speech on the same topic as my essay?

Indeed, I believe you HAVE TO do the speech on the same topic as your essay.



Keep in mind, with my reply, that i'm a writing nerd (it's what I did in college), and I ding my cadets pretty hard to write to the requirements written in the reg, and I probably impose some of my own personal standards upon them as well (think like:  freshman level college writing comp class standards).  It is no big deal for a cadet to go 3 or 4 drafts with me on an essay, especially if its the first time they have written, or written for me.  YOUR squadron leadership at your squadron may be more picky, as picky, or less picky... so take that for what it's worth.

With that in mind, a few notes,

1.  The prompt from the nhq website is actually
"Explain why America's aerospace power is vital to commerce, science or national security."
If you were my cadet, i'd ding you on not using the exact prompt

2.  The paper requirements are 300-500 words.
If you were my cadet, i'd ding you if your essay was 299 or 501.



Quote from: vorter on August 29, 2011, 03:48:41 AM
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. After a few hours at the beach, he goes to the park with friends and launches model rockets. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. Finally, rockets would not even have existed if not for the scientists who designed them. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.

Nice.
Subject is defined, and thesis clearly stated (last sentence).
However, you are still not using the exact essay prompt...
Is America's Aerospace power the same thing as its aerospace science knowledge?
With the corporations and individuals thing are you going for vitality to commerce?

You said "I did my essay on "The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science".
Though you never wrote that specifically anywhere in the essay (except the title line)
But I think what you have written is actually more about commerce.

The argument is briefly previewed with the story, satellites, wx, and model rockets.
And it's fairly interesting and attention grabbing.

**I would generally expect the next three paragraphs to be about
satellites, wx, and model rockets (in that order)
(and maybe about waffles, i dunno)

Quote
   Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.

sounds like you are leaning mostly to the commerce thing here?
but convenience and safety may not be very well connected to thesis, at least as they are written now

Quote
   High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.

Technically they don't 'float in' space as much as 'hurtle through' it :)
So again, everything you've said is true here, but if your thesis is focusing on commerce, what do these things have to do with commerce?

Quote
   Many will consider this last aspect of aerospace useless and wasteful, while others consider it one of the most important topics that exist. It is space exploration. Those who are against space exploration usually only think about the difficult to obtain main objective which is discovering new extraterrestrial locations, hoping to find life or resources. Although, that is indeed important and what we are aiming for, many new technologies have sprouted from space exploration such as robotics and medical discoveries in micro-gravity. In the end, we will eventually have to find a location in space to either move to or export resources from in order to preserve the human race. Space exploration is possibly the most controversial aerospace topic, but in the long run, it will benefit America and everyone else on Earth greatly.

You are diverging from your intro paragraph here.
Everything you say is valid, but it isn't really connected to sats, wx, or rockets.
After the previous two paragraphs, and based on your intro, I would have expected rockets here.

Still your connection to commerce is fairly weak here,
a lot of commercial products come from space travel, sure...
and increased resource pool to capitalize into commercial activity...
i can see it, but the way you have connected it in your writing isn't strong.

Quote
   There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.

Way diverging from the main thesis here (though the score sheet does tell you to anticipate and refute an objection, I submit that the score sheet is bogus, but that's a different thread) :)
It seems like you are almost making the case AGAINST america's air and space power being vital to commerce.
Which would be the opposite of the assignment.
Also those are some interesting statements you have made without any facts to back them up.

Quote
   Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. Exploration of the "final frontier" unveils great technologies and in the long run, could be what saves mankind. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.

So you are starting to confuse me with your conclusion.
Is this a  persuasion paper, to convince me that I should be investing in aerospace (or supporting investment in aerospace)?  Or is it an informative paper?  Picking one or the other, might help you focus your language to be more consistent throughout (i think you'll also find that it will reduce your word count).


In terms of grammar, sentence, and paragraph construction, I think you're good.
I'd focus on structure and organization, consistency with thesis, and word count.
You would probably score pretty well against the provided score sheet, although I would specifically go over your essay and check it yourself, point by point, with the score sheet.  How would you mark another cadet who turned this in to you, on each item?

In all, no bad!  But with room for improvement :)

elipod

Cadet Hyeung,

I think it an excellent essay. You do need to fit within the limits, but it truly is outstanding that you have put together a well thought, and definitely lengthy enough essay.

Keep up the good work, and I hope to see your name in a volunteer magazine a couple years from now, for the Eaker, or Spaatz.

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

davidsinn

Quote from: usafaux2004 on August 29, 2011, 05:05:24 AM
Because most students, even in college struggle to put 500+ words together?


That or they have been so brain washed by english teachers into thinking quantity is quality that they can't express themselves in a direct manner and have to use a paragraph where a well thought out sentence would work. In the real world you don't have time to write thesis papers. You need to get your point across to the other party without wasting your time or the other person's time.
Former CAP Captain
David Sinn

Майор Хаткевич

Quote from: davidsinn on August 29, 2011, 05:28:46 AM
Quote from: usafaux2004 on August 29, 2011, 05:05:24 AM
Because most students, even in college struggle to put 500+ words together?


That or they have been so brain washed by english teachers into thinking quantity is quality that they can't express themselves in a direct manner and have to use a paragraph where a well thought out sentence would work. In the real world you don't have time to write thesis papers. You need to get your point across to the other party without wasting your time or the other person's time.

The assignment doesn't call for that. It calls for a structured paper. When I wrote my paper on Leadership, I made sure to fit it within the limits, but it was a challenge to make it "decent".

vorter

#7
@coudano
The topic is on Science, not Commerce.
And thanks for the thorough review!


I'll be making some edits based on all your comments, the hardest part being to cut 200 words out...
Thanks so far!

Also, on the word count, I included the title and heading, can I cut these out?

EDIT: On the thing about rockets, I said "None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies." meaning that model rockets were a RESULT of space exploration.

I'm gonna see if I can change my topic to the importance the average citizen instead of science.
C/2nd Lt Hyeung

vorter

#8
Okay, I removed everything about the 3rd topic, which was space exploration.
It's 497 words now, not including heading and title.


C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
   Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
   High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
   There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.


------------------------------------------

I'm hoping I could use the prompt of importance to the average citizen instead, but in case I can't, could this pass as the importance of aerospace power to science?
C/2nd Lt Hyeung

vorter

Okay, so here's my 3rd revision, focusing more on science/weather.
440 words.


C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he sends another plane to explore the predicted path to see if there are obstacles or hazardous areas that could affect the hurricane. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. Another long distance aircraft relayed info such as topographical data back to Sam. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital the field of science.
   Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. The usage of weather airplanes and balloons inform people to evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. If not for these essential tools, people would be unprepared and losses are likely to concur. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
   Aircraft that can travel long distances are not only used to explore hurricane paths, but are also used to discover new landmarks and locations hidden on small islands or in lush rainforests. Possibly the best way to survey large areas is by plane because of the fact that an observer can see a large amount of land at once, and speed is much faster than that of other forms of transportation. There are also no obstructions to get in the way of exploration. Aircraft provide a large "bird's eye view" that no other vehicle can match.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Aircraft require large amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating disposable instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Exploration aircraft can support weather research or discover resources in its own field. Many conveniences in the field of science are owed to the strength of America's aerospace power.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll either go from this (3rd) revision or the one before, in the post above.
Which one do you guys think is better? And how can I improve the one that you pick?
C/2nd Lt Hyeung

Extremepredjudice

I like the third one.

I can't see any major errors (comp1 and 2 perfect 100s, took both over the summer).
Just check your word choice, and ask yourself how would a person with a PHD would say it.
I love the moderators here. <3

Hanlon's Razor
Occam's Razor
"Flight make chant; I good leader"

davidsinn

Quote from: Extremepredjudice on August 30, 2011, 05:04:48 AM
Just check your word choice, and ask yourself how would a person with a PHD would say it.

I'd rather know how he'd say it...
Former CAP Captain
David Sinn

coudano

#12
This thread is really important, in my opinion.  Every cadet needs to be able to write in order to be an effective leader.  Especially as they rise up to higher levels.  Additionally, we should be teaching and practicing a standard 5 paragraph essay metric (like out of T&Q) all the way back to the Armstrong, and maybe even earlier, so that when they get to the Spaatz exam they are ready.

I've also had issues running into cadets who have never done 'military' writing before.  There is quite frankly a fairly well defined rubric that will be expected when looking at things like essays, position papers, business letters, and memos.  Some people have to 'break' their way of thinking in order to fit into a new and unfamiliar mold.  In other words, what is cool in your high school english/comp class is probably simply different enough from the expectation here that it may feel like you are doing it "wrong".  In reality you are just doing it "different".  I would not turn in a tongue and quill style 5 paragraph essay to a high school or university comp teacher (under most circumstances).


I still like the first essay better than the other one,
but if you were turning it in to me, it would still need some work.
It reads nicely, but the consistency and connectivity with the thesis are still weak.
My guess is that you got a (pretty good) idea of a story you wanted to tell, and started from the base of your idea and tried to write toward the direction of your thesis.

What I would like you to do is do it the other way.  Start from your thesis, outline some basic thoughts and structure, and then write those toward the direction of your story.

Take a step back and go back to basic organization,
let's look at it from an outline point of view.

according to you, you have chosen the following thesis:
"Explain why America's aerospace power is vital to science."
Ok, fine.

Now think me up exactly 3 ideas which directly support that thesis.
Forget about things like convenience and services, those are more 'commercey' and less 'sciencey'.  You can use some, but not all of what you already brought up.
1.
2.
3.

Those are the 'main ideas' of your three paragraphs.

Now for each of 1, 2, and 3 above, come up with a few (2 or 3) ideas that directly support each main idea.  Try to make at least one of these three a fact or statistic in each paragraph.
1a
1b
1c

2a
2b
2c

3a
3b
3c

Don't worry about expositorily writing for right now, and don't worry about the introduction and conclusion for now,
just see if you can fill in the blanks above,
they don't even have to be clean sentences, just facts or ideas


**If you are having trouble thinking up sciencey things, or you want to re-use more of what you have already written, then consider changing your thesis from science to commerce.  There's nothing wrong with doing that (it's your paper).  But if you do it, then start over, with the 3 ideas that directly support the newly selected thesis, and then the 3 ideas that support each main idea.


QuoteNone of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies.

Since you only listed two things, the word 'neither' would be better here.
I guess none isn't really wrong, but it seems to imply that you have listed many things that would be impossible.

QuoteAmerica's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.

So again, this is a nice paragraph, and it reads well, but it doesn't really have anything to do with america's aerospace power being important to science.  That's why i'm hitting on the outline above.

Quotea vast array of satellites float in suborbital space

Not only do they not "float" up there,
they are also not in suborbital space.
technically they are actually exactly in orbital space, since they are orbiting.

I'm trying to thing of something that could sustain its position in suborbital space,
seems like something like an ICBM or spaceship one is the closest, that just kind of pokes its nose into the edge of space for a minute before coming back down.  I guess any trajectory that results in a return to earth or an escape is "not orbital" right?  hrmmm

The point is that one of the criteria is that your paper not contain anything that is just factually wrong, at face value.  And no logical contradictions.


Quoteto provide many services

Again this is a commerce thing.
Providing goods and services is almost the verbatim definition of commerce.


coudano

here's a training tool i did over at cadetstuff a while back
i think that the consensus was that it is a little too busy, as a road map
but it covers pretty much all of the bases

NC Hokie

Quote from: coudano on August 30, 2011, 02:42:38 PM
here's a training tool i did over at cadetstuff a while back
i think that the consensus was that it is a little too busy, as a road map
but it covers pretty much all of the bases

I give that to all of my Phase II cadets as soon as they pin on their sergeant's stripes. I just modified it to use font changes instead of color to show the different parts since I don't have a good color printer at my squadron HQ.
NC Hokie, Lt Col, CAP

Graduated Squadron Commander
All Around Good Guy

BTCS1*

One thing that I noticed before I even started reading the essay was "C/CMS" which is not the proper abbreviation for Chief Master Sergeant, you mean C/CMSgt.
C/2d Lt. B. Garelick, CAP

vorter

Quote from: BTCS1* on August 30, 2011, 11:03:53 PM
One thing that I noticed before I even started reading the essay was "C/CMS" which is not the proper abbreviation for Chief Master Sergeant, you mean C/CMSgt.

Whoops, I usually use C/CMSgt.
Maybe because I wrote the original late at night.


ATM, i'll probably start by brainstorming 3 ideas for science or maybe commerce, like coudano said.
C/2nd Lt Hyeung

vorter

#17
Okay, here's my 4th revision, hopefully focusing on the prompt of science much more.
Page Count: EXACTLY 500 (Not including title/heading)

I decided to keep the ideas of weather and satellites (tried brainstorming and I just kept thinking about these), and I
changed them greatly to focus on science more.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C/CMSgt Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
   Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
   The utilization of weather monitoring aircraft and balloons makes it much easier for meteorologists to do their job. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't.
Way above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. Canada's Radarsat is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact. Aircraft require large amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating disposable instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
   Aircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
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C/2nd Lt Hyeung

Extremepredjudice

If you are struggling for content, try google scholar.
Wikipedia has a reference area on the bottom of the article, most of which is good stuff.
Both of those will help with school, too

Or ask the AE officer... Or crack your aerospace books!  :P
I love the moderators here. <3

Hanlon's Razor
Occam's Razor
"Flight make chant; I good leader"

coudano

#19
Kay let me try to dissect it and see where I get...
This is trying to fit it on the outline i suggested above,

QuoteWhy America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science

Ok that's your thesis.  Good.
Looks below, like your 3 support ideas are:
1.  our stuff can go where nobodoy else's can
2.  our satellite network is mo/better/unique than everyone else's
3.  ??

So your first do do infact directly support the thesis statement (outstanding!)

That third paragraph is objection and rebuttal.
Which is clearly *not* directly supportive of the thesis.
I guess I can see that if the structure is intentional... (2 support plus objection/refutation)

Though the objection you have raised is not an objection to why america's air power is vital to science.
The objection you have raised is more like "why aerospace power is invalid in general"

If you were my cadet I'd tell you to drop that paragraph and instead just come up with a 3rd main idea directly supporting the thesis (and 3 points of support of that main idea).


QuoteSam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.

Intentionally ignoring the intro for now. :)


QuoteThe utilization of weather monitoring aircraft and balloons makes it much easier for meteorologists to do their job. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't.

Paragraph Main Idea:  America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't.

support 1:  'hurricane hunter' could fly into the eye of a hurricane
support 2:  weather balloons can float up to around 40km higher than other aircraft
support 3:  ???  (how about our sat network, do we have space superiority?  the shuttle used to be unique as well, when it was in service, what about planetary and solar system probes, they go where nobody else goes, right?  so does the uss enterprise i guess...)

Actually this is pretty good.  Both of the support statements really do support the main idea.
Three points of support would be even better, but 2 aint half bad.

However, can you explain how "The utilization of weather monitoring aircraft and balloons makes it much easier for meteorologists to do their job." supports the paragraph main idea?  This might be a nice transitory sentence from the previous paragraph though (it should be in the previous paragraph if you want to use it that way)  Otherwise just drop this sentence and save the word count for use elsewhere :)

I would move the main idea to the front of the paragraph (although it doesn't technically have to be there)
and use a transition sentence at the end.

QuoteWay above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. Canada's Radarsat is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.

**this one is considerably less clearly structured... but there is something here to work with

Paragrah main idea:  I think you're going for something like "we have the best satellite network"
(I would state this a little more explicitly somehow, right in the paragraph)

support 1:  geoegraphical sats map the earth with great accuracy
support 2:  [strike]canda's radarsat is used for blah blah[/strike] (this is canada's air power not the US's)(!)
support 3:  hubble looks up without obstruction of the atmosphere

Again, 2 really very good points.  I'd lose the canadian bit, eh... (take off, you hosers)
and replace it with something 'merican, such as SETI or kepler or something else along those lines
how does whatever you pick provide a unique or VITAL impact to science?

So the bit about sats being higher than any other vehicle (going places other vehicles can't) seems like it fits better in the previous paragraph than this one, right???  I'd drop it and save the word count for use elsewhere :)

QuoteThere are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact. Aircraft require large amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating disposable instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.

Like I said above, this paragraph
a) doesn't directly support the main thesis
b) as an objection it doesn't even object directly to the thesis statement

In what other ways does american airpower vitally affect science
other than going where no man has gone before, and having better instrumentation in space?
can you think of any?

Or if you insist on following the objection route,
How might someone object in such a way as to say specifically "american air power is NOT vital to science",
and then what would the rebuttal to that be?

QuoteAircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.

Intentionally ignoring the conclusion still, for now :)




You are pretty wordy in your middle paragraph above, about our sat stuff being better.
You could probably cut out some of that fluff language and say the same thing more pointedly to conserve word count if you want or need to.


MASSIVE progress though, keep going!!!