So, it's that time where I have to do the essay/speech/2 exams.
I did my essay on "The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science".
It's 696 words, about 200 word longer than the max, but I hope it wont be a problem...
I'd appreciate any critique or compliments!
I also have a question, can I do my speech on the same topic as my essay?
Here's the scoring sheet: http://www.capmembers.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf
C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. After a few hours at the beach, he goes to the park with friends and launches model rockets. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. Finally, rockets would not even have existed if not for the scientists who designed them. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
Many will consider this last aspect of aerospace useless and wasteful, while others consider it one of the most important topics that exist. It is space exploration. Those who are against space exploration usually only think about the difficult to obtain main objective which is discovering new extraterrestrial locations, hoping to find life or resources. Although, that is indeed important and what we are aiming for, many new technologies have sprouted from space exploration such as robotics and medical discoveries in micro-gravity. In the end, we will eventually have to find a location in space to either move to or export resources from in order to preserve the human race. Space exploration is possibly the most controversial aerospace topic, but in the long run, it will benefit America and everyone else on Earth greatly.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. Exploration of the "final frontier" unveils great technologies and in the long run, could be what saves mankind. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.
Quote from: vorter on August 29, 2011, 03:48:41 AM
So, it's that time where I have to do the essay/speech/2 exams.
I did my essay on "The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science".
It's 696 words, about 200 word longer than the max, but I hope it wont be a problem...
I'd appreciate any critique or compliments!
I also have a question, can I do my speech on the same topic as my essay?
Here's the scoring sheet: http://www.capmembers.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf (http://www.capmembers.com/media/cms/Essay_and_Speech_Critique_5958F3F065BFE.pdf)
C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. After a few hours at the beach, he goes to the park with friends and launches model rockets. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. Finally, rockets would not even have existed if not for the scientists who designed them. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
Many will consider this last aspect of aerospace useless and wasteful, while others consider it one of the most important topics that exist. It is space exploration. Those who are against space exploration usually only think about the difficult to obtain main objective which is discovering new extraterrestrial locations, hoping to find life or resources. Although, that is indeed important and what we are aiming for, many new technologies have sprouted from space exploration such as robotics and medical discoveries in micro-gravity. In the end, we will eventually have to find a location in space to either move to or export resources from in order to preserve the human race. Space exploration is possibly the most controversial aerospace topic, but in the long run, it will benefit America and everyone else on Earth greatly.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. Exploration of the "final frontier" unveils great technologies and in the long run, could be what saves mankind. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.
You need to lose 196 words. It is a problem because the requirements say 300-500 words. That means not 299 and not 501. I'm not even going to bother reading it since it will change so drastically to meet the requirements. That requirement exists for a reason...Can you figure out why?
Because most students, even in college struggle to put 500+ words together?
First off, good on you for seeking input on your paper!
That shows an important quality that I am always looking for in up and coming leaders.
QuoteI also have a question, can I do my speech on the same topic as my essay?
Indeed, I believe you HAVE TO do the speech on the same topic as your essay.
Keep in mind, with my reply, that i'm a writing nerd (it's what I did in college), and I ding my cadets pretty hard to write to the requirements written in the reg, and I probably impose some of my own personal standards upon them as well (think like: freshman level college writing comp class standards). It is no big deal for a cadet to go 3 or 4 drafts with me on an essay, especially if its the first time they have written, or written for me. YOUR squadron leadership at your squadron may be more picky, as picky, or less picky... so take that for what it's worth.
With that in mind, a few notes,
1. The prompt from the nhq website is actually
"Explain why America's aerospace power is vital to commerce, science or national security."
If you were my cadet, i'd ding you on not using the exact prompt
2. The paper requirements are 300-500 words.
If you were my cadet, i'd ding you if your essay was 299 or 501.
Quote from: vorter on August 29, 2011, 03:48:41 AM
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. After a few hours at the beach, he goes to the park with friends and launches model rockets. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. Finally, rockets would not even have existed if not for the scientists who designed them. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
Nice.
Subject is defined, and thesis clearly stated (last sentence).
However, you are still not using the exact essay prompt...
Is America's Aerospace power the same thing as its aerospace science knowledge?
With the corporations and individuals thing are you going for vitality to commerce?
You said "I did my essay on "The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science".
Though you never wrote that specifically anywhere in the essay (except the title line)
But I think what you have written is actually more about commerce.
The argument is briefly previewed with the story, satellites, wx, and model rockets.
And it's fairly interesting and attention grabbing.
**I would generally expect the next three paragraphs to be about
satellites, wx, and model rockets (in that order)
(and maybe about waffles, i dunno)
Quote
Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
sounds like you are leaning mostly to the commerce thing here?
but convenience and safety may not be very well connected to thesis, at least as they are written now
Quote
High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
Technically they don't 'float in' space as much as 'hurtle through' it :)
So again, everything you've said is true here, but if your thesis is focusing on commerce, what do these things have to do with commerce?
Quote
Many will consider this last aspect of aerospace useless and wasteful, while others consider it one of the most important topics that exist. It is space exploration. Those who are against space exploration usually only think about the difficult to obtain main objective which is discovering new extraterrestrial locations, hoping to find life or resources. Although, that is indeed important and what we are aiming for, many new technologies have sprouted from space exploration such as robotics and medical discoveries in micro-gravity. In the end, we will eventually have to find a location in space to either move to or export resources from in order to preserve the human race. Space exploration is possibly the most controversial aerospace topic, but in the long run, it will benefit America and everyone else on Earth greatly.
You are diverging from your intro paragraph here.
Everything you say is valid, but it isn't really connected to sats, wx, or rockets.
After the previous two paragraphs, and based on your intro, I would have expected rockets here.
Still your connection to commerce is fairly weak here,
a lot of commercial products come from space travel, sure...
and increased resource pool to capitalize into commercial activity...
i can see it, but the way you have connected it in your writing isn't strong.
Quote
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Way diverging from the main thesis here (though the score sheet does tell you to anticipate and refute an objection, I submit that the score sheet is bogus, but that's a different thread) :)
It seems like you are almost making the case AGAINST america's air and space power being vital to commerce.
Which would be the opposite of the assignment.
Also those are some interesting statements you have made without any facts to back them up.
Quote
Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. Exploration of the "final frontier" unveils great technologies and in the long run, could be what saves mankind. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.
So you are starting to confuse me with your conclusion.
Is this a persuasion paper, to convince me that I should be investing in aerospace (or supporting investment in aerospace)? Or is it an informative paper? Picking one or the other, might help you focus your language to be more consistent throughout (i think you'll also find that it will reduce your word count).
In terms of grammar, sentence, and paragraph construction, I think you're good.
I'd focus on structure and organization, consistency with thesis, and word count.
You would probably score pretty well against the provided score sheet, although I would specifically go over your essay and check it yourself, point by point, with the score sheet. How would you mark another cadet who turned this in to you, on each item?
In all, no bad! But with room for improvement :)
Cadet Hyeung,
I think it an excellent essay. You do need to fit within the limits, but it truly is outstanding that you have put together a well thought, and definitely lengthy enough essay.
Keep up the good work, and I hope to see your name in a volunteer magazine a couple years from now, for the Eaker, or Spaatz.
Quote from: usafaux2004 on August 29, 2011, 05:05:24 AM
Because most students, even in college struggle to put 500+ words together?
That or they have been so brain washed by english teachers into thinking quantity is quality that they can't express themselves in a direct manner and have to use a paragraph where a well thought out sentence would work. In the real world you don't have time to write thesis papers. You need to get your point across to the other party without wasting your time or the other person's time.
Quote from: davidsinn on August 29, 2011, 05:28:46 AM
Quote from: usafaux2004 on August 29, 2011, 05:05:24 AM
Because most students, even in college struggle to put 500+ words together?
That or they have been so brain washed by english teachers into thinking quantity is quality that they can't express themselves in a direct manner and have to use a paragraph where a well thought out sentence would work. In the real world you don't have time to write thesis papers. You need to get your point across to the other party without wasting your time or the other person's time.
The assignment doesn't call for that. It calls for a structured paper. When I wrote my paper on Leadership, I made sure to fit it within the limits, but it was a challenge to make it "decent".
@coudano
The topic is on Science, not Commerce.
And thanks for the thorough review!
I'll be making some edits based on all your comments, the hardest part being to cut 200 words out...
Thanks so far!
Also, on the word count, I included the title and heading, can I cut these out?
EDIT: On the thing about rockets, I said "None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies." meaning that model rockets were a RESULT of space exploration.
I'm gonna see if I can change my topic to the importance the average citizen instead of science.
Okay, I removed everything about the 3rd topic, which was space exploration.
It's 497 words now, not including heading and title.
C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
The Importance of America's Aerospace Power in Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do. First, he pops out his smartphone and gets directions to the nearest Waffle House. Then, he checks the weather to see if it'll be good to go swim. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam wanted to go eat, he used satellites and his phone's GPS capabilities to find the Waffle House. Weather balloons and radar were used to collect data which Sam used to see if it would be good to go swim. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital to not only large organizations, but also to the average citizen.
Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. Early warning of natural disasters lets people evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. Weather websites allow almost anyone to access extremely accurate reports anytime, even days or weeks ahead. This makes it convenient for a tourist to plan his or her vacation or a family to plan a trip to the waterpark. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
High above our weather balloons and Doppler radars, a vast array of satellites float in suborbital space to provide many services to the US. The most known job of satellites is GPS. GPS (Global Positioning System) allows tracking of anything with a GPS device with accuracy to a few feet. Another common purpose of satellites is right on our computers, satellite imagery. It is likely that you have used Google Earth before, maybe looking up your house or famous landmarks. This tool is great for exploring anywhere on Earth or maybe to view weather patterns over an image of your town. Finally, satellites provide the ability to transmit information. They can send cell phone calls or let people watch television in remote parts of the world. Satellites are the greatest "eye in the sky" and can link two people together, no matter the distance.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Rockets require massive amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Satellites above our skies convey great amounts of information such as imagery. You may not realize it, but many things you do every day are made possible by advancements in aerospace.
------------------------------------------
I'm hoping I could use the prompt of importance to the average citizen instead, but in case I can't, could this pass as the importance of aerospace power to science?
Okay, so here's my 3rd revision, focusing more on science/weather.
440 words.
C/CMS Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a long list of activities to do as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he sends another plane to explore the predicted path to see if there are obstacles or hazardous areas that could affect the hurricane. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. Another long distance aircraft relayed info such as topographical data back to Sam. America's knowledge of Aerospace Science is vital the field of science.
Knowledge of weather has not only made everyone's lives easier, but it has also saved millions of lives. The usage of weather airplanes and balloons inform people to evacuate days before disaster strikes. Such is the case in the recent Hurricane Irene where many have left the east coast for safety. If not for these essential tools, people would be unprepared and losses are likely to concur. America's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
Aircraft that can travel long distances are not only used to explore hurricane paths, but are also used to discover new landmarks and locations hidden on small islands or in lush rainforests. Possibly the best way to survey large areas is by plane because of the fact that an observer can see a large amount of land at once, and speed is much faster than that of other forms of transportation. There are also no obstructions to get in the way of exploration. Aircraft provide a large "bird's eye view" that no other vehicle can match.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact from the resources required for aerospace tools. Aircraft require large amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating disposable instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Investing in aerospace benefits everyone in many ways. Weather monitoring lets the masses plan ahead and stay safe. Exploration aircraft can support weather research or discover resources in its own field. Many conveniences in the field of science are owed to the strength of America's aerospace power.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll either go from this (3rd) revision or the one before, in the post above.
Which one do you guys think is better? And how can I improve the one that you pick?
I like the third one.
I can't see any major errors (comp1 and 2 perfect 100s, took both over the summer).
Just check your word choice, and ask yourself how would a person with a PHD would say it.
Quote from: Extremepredjudice on August 30, 2011, 05:04:48 AM
Just check your word choice, and ask yourself how would a person with a PHD would say it.
I'd rather know how he'd say it...
This thread is really important, in my opinion. Every cadet needs to be able to write in order to be an effective leader. Especially as they rise up to higher levels. Additionally, we should be teaching and practicing a standard 5 paragraph essay metric (like out of T&Q) all the way back to the Armstrong, and maybe even earlier, so that when they get to the Spaatz exam they are ready.
I've also had issues running into cadets who have never done 'military' writing before. There is quite frankly a fairly well defined rubric that will be expected when looking at things like essays, position papers, business letters, and memos. Some people have to 'break' their way of thinking in order to fit into a new and unfamiliar mold. In other words, what is cool in your high school english/comp class is probably simply different enough from the expectation here that it may feel like you are doing it "wrong". In reality you are just doing it "different". I would not turn in a tongue and quill style 5 paragraph essay to a high school or university comp teacher (under most circumstances).
I still like the first essay better than the other one,
but if you were turning it in to me, it would still need some work.
It reads nicely, but the consistency and connectivity with the thesis are still weak.
My guess is that you got a (pretty good) idea of a story you wanted to tell, and started from the base of your idea and tried to write toward the direction of your thesis.
What I would like you to do is do it the other way. Start from your thesis, outline some basic thoughts and structure, and then write those toward the direction of your story.
Take a step back and go back to basic organization,
let's look at it from an outline point of view.
according to you, you have chosen the following thesis:
"Explain why America's aerospace power is vital to science."
Ok, fine.
Now think me up exactly 3 ideas which directly support that thesis.
Forget about things like convenience and services, those are more 'commercey' and less 'sciencey'. You can use some, but not all of what you already brought up.
1.
2.
3.
Those are the 'main ideas' of your three paragraphs.
Now for each of 1, 2, and 3 above, come up with a few (2 or 3) ideas that directly support each main idea. Try to make at least one of these three a fact or statistic in each paragraph.
1a
1b
1c
2a
2b
2c
3a
3b
3c
Don't worry about expositorily writing for right now, and don't worry about the introduction and conclusion for now,
just see if you can fill in the blanks above,
they don't even have to be clean sentences, just facts or ideas
**If you are having trouble thinking up sciencey things, or you want to re-use more of what you have already written, then consider changing your thesis from science to commerce. There's nothing wrong with doing that (it's your paper). But if you do it, then start over, with the 3 ideas that directly support the newly selected thesis, and then the 3 ideas that support each main idea.
QuoteNone of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies.
Since you only listed two things, the word 'neither' would be better here.
I guess none isn't really wrong, but it seems to imply that you have listed many things that would be impossible.
QuoteAmerica's fleet of weather monitoring tools provides convenience and safety to all Americans.
So again, this is a nice paragraph, and it reads well, but it doesn't really have anything to do with america's aerospace power being important to science. That's why i'm hitting on the outline above.
Quotea vast array of satellites float in suborbital space
Not only do they not "float" up there,
they are also not in suborbital space.
technically they are actually exactly in orbital space, since they are orbiting.
I'm trying to thing of something that could sustain its position in suborbital space,
seems like something like an ICBM or spaceship one is the closest, that just kind of pokes its nose into the edge of space for a minute before coming back down. I guess any trajectory that results in a return to earth or an escape is "not orbital" right? hrmmm
The point is that one of the criteria is that your paper not contain anything that is just factually wrong, at face value. And no logical contradictions.
Quoteto provide many services
Again this is a commerce thing.
Providing goods and services is almost the verbatim definition of commerce.
here's a training tool i did over at cadetstuff a while back
i think that the consensus was that it is a little too busy, as a road map
but it covers pretty much all of the bases
Quote from: coudano on August 30, 2011, 02:42:38 PM
here's a training tool i did over at cadetstuff a while back
i think that the consensus was that it is a little too busy, as a road map
but it covers pretty much all of the bases
I give that to all of my Phase II cadets as soon as they pin on their sergeant's stripes. I just modified it to use font changes instead of color to show the different parts since I don't have a good color printer at my squadron HQ.
One thing that I noticed before I even started reading the essay was "C/CMS" which is not the proper abbreviation for Chief Master Sergeant, you mean C/CMSgt.
Quote from: BTCS1* on August 30, 2011, 11:03:53 PM
One thing that I noticed before I even started reading the essay was "C/CMS" which is not the proper abbreviation for Chief Master Sergeant, you mean C/CMSgt.
Whoops, I usually use C/CMSgt.
Maybe because I wrote the original late at night.
ATM, i'll probably start by brainstorming 3 ideas for science or maybe commerce, like coudano said.
Okay, here's my 4th revision, hopefully focusing on the prompt of science much more.
Page Count: EXACTLY 500 (Not including title/heading)
I decided to keep the ideas of weather and satellites (tried brainstorming and I just kept thinking about these), and I
changed them greatly to focus on science more.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C/CMSgt Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
The utilization of weather monitoring aircraft and balloons makes it much easier for meteorologists to do their job. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't.
Way above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. Canada's Radarsat is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact. Aircraft require large amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating disposable instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Aircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are struggling for content, try google scholar.
Wikipedia has a reference area on the bottom of the article, most of which is good stuff.
Both of those will help with school, too
Or ask the AE officer... Or crack your aerospace books! :P
Kay let me try to dissect it and see where I get...
This is trying to fit it on the outline i suggested above,
QuoteWhy America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
Ok that's your thesis. Good.
Looks below, like your 3 support ideas are:
1. our stuff can go where nobodoy else's can
2. our satellite network is mo/better/unique than everyone else's
3. ??
So your first do do infact directly support the thesis statement (outstanding!)
That third paragraph is objection and rebuttal.
Which is clearly *not* directly supportive of the thesis.
I guess I can see that if the structure is intentional... (2 support plus objection/refutation)
Though the objection you have raised is not an objection to why america's air power is vital to science.
The objection you have raised is more like "why aerospace power is invalid in general"
If you were my cadet I'd tell you to drop that paragraph and instead just come up with a 3rd main idea directly supporting the thesis (and 3 points of support of that main idea).
QuoteSam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
Intentionally ignoring the intro for now. :)
QuoteThe utilization of weather monitoring aircraft and balloons makes it much easier for meteorologists to do their job. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't.
Paragraph Main Idea: America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't.
support 1: 'hurricane hunter' could fly into the eye of a hurricane
support 2: weather balloons can float up to around 40km higher than other aircraft
support 3: ??? (how about our sat network, do we have space superiority? the shuttle used to be unique as well, when it was in service, what about planetary and solar system probes, they go where nobody else goes, right? so does the uss enterprise i guess...)
Actually this is pretty good. Both of the support statements really do support the main idea.
Three points of support would be even better, but 2 aint half bad.
However, can you explain how "The utilization of weather monitoring aircraft and balloons makes it much easier for meteorologists to do their job." supports the paragraph main idea? This might be a nice transitory sentence from the previous paragraph though (it should be in the previous paragraph if you want to use it that way) Otherwise just drop this sentence and save the word count for use elsewhere :)
I would move the main idea to the front of the paragraph (although it doesn't technically have to be there)
and use a transition sentence at the end.
QuoteWay above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. Canada's Radarsat is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
**this one is considerably less clearly structured... but there is something here to work with
Paragrah main idea: I think you're going for something like "we have the best satellite network"
(I would state this a little more explicitly somehow, right in the paragraph)
support 1: geoegraphical sats map the earth with great accuracy
support 2: [strike]canda's radarsat is used for blah blah[/strike] (this is canada's air power not the US's)(!)
support 3: hubble looks up without obstruction of the atmosphere
Again, 2 really very good points. I'd lose the canadian bit, eh... (take off, you hosers)
and replace it with something 'merican, such as SETI or kepler or something else along those lines
how does whatever you pick provide a unique or VITAL impact to science?
So the bit about sats being higher than any other vehicle (going places other vehicles can't) seems like it fits better in the previous paragraph than this one, right??? I'd drop it and save the word count for use elsewhere :)
QuoteThere are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that sometimes large sums of money are wasted on aerospace research that comes up inconclusive or non-beneficial. This money could otherwise be used on healthcare or education. Another "con" is that there is a considerable amount of environmental impact. Aircraft require large amounts of fuel and many resources are spent on creating disposable instruments such as latex in weather balloons. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Like I said above, this paragraph
a) doesn't directly support the main thesis
b) as an objection it doesn't even object directly to the thesis statement
In what other ways does american airpower vitally affect science
other than going where no man has gone before, and having better instrumentation in space?
can you think of any?
Or if you insist on following the objection route,
How might someone object in such a way as to say specifically "american air power is NOT vital to science",
and then what would the rebuttal to that be?
QuoteAircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
Intentionally ignoring the conclusion still, for now :)
You are pretty wordy in your middle paragraph above, about our sat stuff being better.
You could probably cut out some of that fluff language and say the same thing more pointedly to conserve word count if you want or need to.
MASSIVE progress though, keep going!!!
I've just started pre-planning for my essay now, and it's really benefiting me to see your drafting process from start to finish. Awesome improvement!
I'm keeping it 2 ideas per paragraph to keep the word count down.
Objection paragraph I think is needed so i don't lose those 2 points.
I changed the parts that you noted on.
Word Count: 497
--------------------------------------------------------------
C/CMSgt Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. There is another type of aircraft that has far more reach than balloons or planes.
Way above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. NASA's Earth Observing System is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that pre-existing land systems can get much closer to places on Earth than aircraft, giving them more accurate observations. Another "con" is that it is costly to maintain aircraft and using land-based vehicles is much cheaper. Some of America's satellites may require repairs, and sending spacecraft up to repair or replace it can cost large sums of money. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Aircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
------------------------
Quote from: Perez on August 31, 2011, 04:48:53 PM
I've just started pre-planning for my essay now, and it's really benefiting me to see your drafting process from start to finish. Awesome improvement!
Thanks!
Quote from: vorter on September 01, 2011, 03:12:41 AM
I'm keeping it 2 ideas per paragraph to keep the word count down.
Objection paragraph I think is needed so i don't lose those 2 points.
I changed the parts that you noted on.
Word Count: 497
--------------------------------------------------------------
C/CMSgt Hyeung
PTC-FF Composite Squadron
SER-GA-116
Why America's Aerospace Power is Vital to Science
Sam wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes to work as a meteorologist. First, he receives readings from the inside of a hurricane in order to predict the direction the hurricane will move. Then, he checks the predicted path of the hurricane to see if there are any cities or important structures that could be damaged. None of these would be possible without advancements in America's aerospace technologies. When Sam predicted the hurricane's path, he received data from a WP-3D Orion aircraft. One of the many satellites in the exosphere was used to transmit maps back to Sam. America's aerospace power is vital to the field of science because aircraft have unique abilities none others have.
America's aerospace power is vital to science because of the fact that aircraft can go where others can't. A "hurricane hunter" airplane could fly into the eye of a hurricane and retrieve readings much more effectively and safer than any ground vehicles or instruments could. Weather balloons have the ability to float up to around 40km, allowing meteorologists to take readings at very high altitudes where very few other aircraft can reach. There is another type of aircraft that has far more reach than balloons or planes.
Way above all our weather balloons and airplanes are satellites, each designed to do different jobs while orbiting Earth. Geographical satellites have the ability to map out the world with extreme accuracy. Any ground based mapping system would take an extremely long time and could be inaccurate. NASA's Earth Observing System is used for many environmental fields. It could monitor icecaps or monitor the growth of plantations. Other satellites do not look down at Earth, but rather up and into outer-space. One such satellite is the famous Hubble Space Telescope. The HST has managed to discover many objects in space that land telescopes could not because of its advantage of not being obstructed by the atmosphere's gasses. Satellites are higher than any other instrument or vehicle that exists, giving them the greatest "bird's eye view" and the ability to see a large portion of Earth or outer-space at one time.
There are some negative aspects of aerospace innovations. One of these is that pre-existing land systems can get much closer to places on Earth than aircraft, giving them more accurate observations. Another "con" is that it is costly to maintain aircraft and using land-based vehicles is much cheaper. Some of America's satellites may require repairs, and sending spacecraft up to repair or replace it can cost large sums of money. Even with these negative aspects, the benefits still outweigh the inconveniences.
Aircraft can reach or see where others can't, making them valuable tools to the various fields of science. Weather airplanes and balloons take observations farther out than ground instruments. Satellites accurately observe large areas and can suit various roles that contribute to science. If America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
------------------------
Quote from: Perez on August 31, 2011, 04:48:53 PM
I've just started pre-planning for my essay now, and it's really benefiting me to see your drafting process from start to finish. Awesome improvement!
Thanks!
I like the approach you're taking on your essay.
I'm just going to post my essay, for the advice/criticism of the CAPtalk community (Not trying to 1-up you, Chief Hyeung, just expanding on the thread's topic).
(Word count: 472)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Throughout my time in this program, I have learned a lot about the main concept and the various styles of leadership. However, even with the boatload of curriculum that has passed before my eyes over this time, nothing has taught me better than the mistakes I have made applying my knowledge of leadership to real-life situations. In my opinion, mistakes are important in the learning process because the impact of the mistake hits you hard, and sticks into your mind. There are two mistakes that come to my mind as changing my style of leadership.
One of the most frequent mistakes I make is that when you need to address an issue, you should always address the group as a whole, without singling anyone out. For example, during my time in Alpha Flight [advanced flight in sqdn.], I would always single out cadets for very small mistakes. By addressing the group as a whole, I could avoid making the cadet in question feel guilty and embarrassed, as a result of letting the rest of his/her peers know that he "messed up". In addition, addressing the group about a mistake can teach the group about the mistake, and how to avoid it. Finally, singling a cadet out for punishment is an element of hazing, which should always be avoided. Now, I feel like I am capable of avoiding this mistake completely.
Another mistake that I have constantly made is that you should always have a good understanding of the current topic. In Alpha Flight, I can clearly remember a time when I was leading the flight in PT, and since I did not read up on the exercises that the flight could perform, I drew a complete blank and later got "fired" for the rest of PT. This comes to show that if you are not prepared to teach, not only do you look bad in front of your subordinates, but your subordinates won't learn as well. The main way that our squadron teaches us to be prepared to speak about anything is by the Impromptu Speaking classes. You are given an out-of-the-ordinary topic to speak about, and you have to use all the time given to you to speak about the topic. Through this mistake, and the classes, I feel like I am more prepared to teach about any topic that is thrown at me.
Through these two mistakes, I feel like I have advanced my education and training as a leader. I have stopped singling out cadets, and instead taught entire groups of cadets about avoiding the slip-ups of others. In addition, I have always prepared myself to discuss a topic, no matter how random the topic is. Having learned from these mistakes, I feel like I can be a very good asset to not only this squadron, but any program that I am leading.
------------------------------------------
Quote from: onetimeoneplace on September 01, 2011, 03:18:48 AM
I like the approach you're taking on your essay.
I'm just going to post my essay, for the advice/criticism of the CAPtalk community (Not trying to 1-up you, Chief Hyeung, just expanding on the thread's topic).
(Word count: 472)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Throughout my time in this program, I have learned a lot about the main concept and the various styles of leadership. However, even with the boatload of curriculum that has passed before my eyes over this time, nothing has taught me better than the mistakes I have made applying my knowledge of leadership to real-life situations. In my opinion, mistakes are important in the learning process because the impact of the mistake hits you hard, and sticks into your mind. There are two mistakes that come to my mind as changing my style of leadership.
One of the most frequent mistakes I make is that when you need to address an issue, you should always address the group as a whole, without singling anyone out. For example, during my time in Alpha Flight [advanced flight in sqdn.], I would always single out cadets for very small mistakes. By addressing the group as a whole, I could avoid making the cadet in question feel guilty and embarrassed, as a result of letting the rest of his/her peers know that he "messed up". In addition, addressing the group about a mistake can teach the group about the mistake, and how to avoid it. Finally, singling a cadet out for punishment is an element of hazing, which should always be avoided. Now, I feel like I am capable of avoiding this mistake completely.
Another mistake that I have constantly made is that you should always have a good understanding of the current topic. In Alpha Flight, I can clearly remember a time when I was leading the flight in PT, and since I did not read up on the exercises that the flight could perform, I drew a complete blank and later got "fired" for the rest of PT. This comes to show that if you are not prepared to teach, not only do you look bad in front of your subordinates, but your subordinates won't learn as well. The main way that our squadron teaches us to be prepared to speak about anything is by the Impromptu Speaking classes. You are given an out-of-the-ordinary topic to speak about, and you have to use all the time given to you to speak about the topic. Through this mistake, and the classes, I feel like I am more prepared to teach about any topic that is thrown at me.
Through these two mistakes, I feel like I have advanced my education and training as a leader. I have stopped singling out cadets, and instead taught entire groups of cadets about avoiding the slip-ups of others. In addition, I have always prepared myself to discuss a topic, no matter how random the topic is. Having learned from these mistakes, I feel like I can be a very good asset to not only this squadron, but any program that I am leading.
------------------------------------------
You switch between "I" and "you" too much. This may be the college English class coming out in me, but "you" should not be in your paper at all. I would change it to something like "one" or "some" (I commonly use "one" in place of my "you" and it gets the same point across). In using "you", it is like you (as the writer) are saying that the reader *has to* or that the reader is directly involved, when they are not.
Chief Hyeung,
Your paper looks pretty good. Much better than your first draft (go compare this one with your first draft). Seriously, night and day.
And now, my case for why anticipating and refuting an objection is a poor fit for this type of essay (why the score sheet is bunk):
First, there is no requirement on the paper up front, that it be a persuasive paper. A paper that is purely informative would not need to anticipate or refute an objection. If you look at some of the other possible essay topics, it would be difficult or impossible to write in a persuasive manner that would imply objections and refutals.
Second, to really be done well, each objection needs to be its own whole paragraph with 3 full support sentences, and each refutation needs to be its own full paragraph likewise. With a typical paragraph length of about 100 words or so, it would basically be impossible to fit the 500 word limit, and argue the case completely. Thus we will see a lot of what you have done here, which is to say "a lot of people object because of x,y,and z, but they are wrong" though you haven't provided any actual facts, figures, or statistics to validate their objections, or your assertion that even with the costs, it's worth it anyway. A typical (brief) philosophy paper, or position paper, will go -at least- 2-3 pages (1500-2000 words). There just isn't room to do it right with these restrictions.
Third, it really doesn't fit the rubric format of a 5 paragraph essay, which is to say,
Introduction/Thesis, Support 1, Support 2, Support3, Conclusion/Emphasis.
To be fair though, at no point are you 'required' to write a strictly formatted five paragraph essay, to complete this assignment. However, it seems to be the most usual approach, and as long as i've been around it has been the most common and best advice for how to write the essay on the Spaatz exam.
Thus, I suspect, that the writing evaluation sheet was probably not really THAT well thought through, in the context of the work that it is evaluating. Additionally I find the assignment and weighting and totaling of points to be cumbersome and ridiculous. Chances are (pretty) high that just like me, your squadron staff won't really use the eval sheet at all, or not the way it is designed. In practice, in MOST squadrons, most cadets who turn in "an essay" get credit, and that's the end of the story.
I would make similar arguments about the speech evaluation sheet as well, but that's probably a different thread. :)
QuoteIf America didn't have the aerospace power that it has today, many of our great science breakthroughs wouldn't exist.
That could have been a great main idea for a third paragraph, btw.
Quote from: CAPC/officer125 on September 01, 2011, 05:13:08 AM
You switch between "I" and "you" too much. This may be the college English class coming out in me, but "you" should not be in your paper at all. I would change it to something like "one" or "some" (I commonly use "one" in place of my "you" and it gets the same point across). In using "you", it is like you (as the writer) are saying that the reader *has to* or that the reader is directly involved, when they are not.
I feel the same way, but going only by CAP's grading criteria, it's not bold letter wrong to use first or second person and/or active speech.
It drives me up the wall, but it's not technically wrong, in this context.
Of course, gratuitous use of 'one' is equally annoying, when it is utterly transparent that the writer *MEANS* to say 'you' and is just substituting another word there in order to simply follow a rule (to avoid getting marked down). The intent behind the rule is to avoid accusatory bent in the language entirely.
Quote from: onetimeoneplace on September 01, 2011, 03:18:48 AM
(Word count: 472)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Throughout my time in this program, I have learned a lot about the main concept and the various styles of leadership. However, even with the boatload of curriculum that has passed before my eyes over this time, nothing has taught me better than the mistakes I have made applying my knowledge of leadership to real-life situations. In my opinion, mistakes are important in the learning process because the impact of the mistake hits you hard, and sticks into your mind. There are two mistakes that come to my mind as changing my style of leadership.
One of the most frequent mistakes I make is that when you need to address an issue, you should always address the group as a whole, without singling anyone out. For example, during my time in Alpha Flight [advanced flight in sqdn.], I would always single out cadets for very small mistakes. By addressing the group as a whole, I could avoid making the cadet in question feel guilty and embarrassed, as a result of letting the rest of his/her peers know that he "messed up". In addition, addressing the group about a mistake can teach the group about the mistake, and how to avoid it. Finally, singling a cadet out for punishment is an element of hazing, which should always be avoided. Now, I feel like I am capable of avoiding this mistake completely.
Another mistake that I have constantly made is that you should always have a good understanding of the current topic. In Alpha Flight, I can clearly remember a time when I was leading the flight in PT, and since I did not read up on the exercises that the flight could perform, I drew a complete blank and later got "fired" for the rest of PT. This comes to show that if you are not prepared to teach, not only do you look bad in front of your subordinates, but your subordinates won't learn as well. The main way that our squadron teaches us to be prepared to speak about anything is by the Impromptu Speaking classes. You are given an out-of-the-ordinary topic to speak about, and you have to use all the time given to you to speak about the topic. Through this mistake, and the classes, I feel like I am more prepared to teach about any topic that is thrown at me.
Through these two mistakes, I feel like I have advanced my education and training as a leader. I have stopped singling out cadets, and instead taught entire groups of cadets about avoiding the slip-ups of others. In addition, I have always prepared myself to discuss a topic, no matter how random the topic is. Having learned from these mistakes, I feel like I can be a very good asset to not only this squadron, but any program that I am leading.
------------------------------------------
Not a bad start,
Of course, it doesn't follow 5 paragraph format, but as discussed, that's not explicitly required.
Unless you are a cadet in my squadron, where *I* require it (haha)
There are an awful lot of places here where you are jamming a ton of empty words and unnecessary words in the middle of your sentences. You could re-state your points more succinctly, and probably cull enough word count to add a third mistake/lesson paragraph. There are also several places where the language strikes me as a little awkward, I think restating more directly will help clear those up as well.
The bolded sentence might not technically be a run-on sentence, but it is pretty dang close... there are 5 clauses there in that sentence. come to think of it, it probably does meet the definition of a run-on. i'd break it up.
The actual prompt from nhq website is "Describe leadership mistakes you have made and explain what you learned from them." I would use that language in the thesis/intro paragraph. And note that the tense of the language is mistakes that you HAVE MADE. Therefore, you should reference these mistakes in the same tense, in the paragraphs below.
So, I just turned in my speech and did my essay. Passed on both!
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano ;D)
Quote from: vorter on September 02, 2011, 01:26:16 AM
So, I just turned in my essay and did my speech. Passed on both!
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano ;D)
FTFY ;D
And you passed a writing requirement? :o >:D
Quote from: DakRadz on September 02, 2011, 01:34:14 AM
Quote from: vorter on September 02, 2011, 01:26:16 AM
So, I just turned in my essay and did my speech. Passed on both!
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano ;D)
FTFY ;D
And you passed a writing requirement? :o >:D
Lol, fail.
And yes.
Congrats, Chief! Glad to hear my GAWG fellows are comin' up through the ranks :D
Quote from: vorter on September 02, 2011, 01:26:16 AM
Thanks for all the help guys! (Especially coudano ;D)
Anytime, just take what you learned and apply it to other projects in the future!
Quote from: coudano on September 01, 2011, 03:53:07 PM
With a typical paragraph length of about 100 words or so, it would basically be impossible to fit the 500 word limit, and argue the case completely.
Just to drive this point home a little,
the full featured example essay in Learn 2 Lead chapter 8, is 920 words.
WAYYY out of range for the assignment parameters.
I just noticed this, while looking at chapter 8 for another reason :)
Congratz!! :clap: :clap: :clap: ;D
Hey everyone, i'm new to this forum and was wondering if someone could review my essay. I'm presenting next week. Lemme know what you think. Hopefully ill have my Mitchel by the end of December!
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Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related. One could not survive without the other, they depend on each other. With that being said, to be an outstanding Cadet you must master both over your Civil Air Patrol (C.A.P.) Career. The logical place to start is follower ship.
Follower ship is the base of your C.A.P. career. You will always find yourself using this skill, even if your a Lt. Colonel. Even though you may be a leader most of the time, you may have to attend activities which require you to be an outstanding follower. To be an outstanding follower does not mean to follow orders blindly. You must have a curiosity to understand why the orders are being given. That way you begin to understand what its like to be a leader. In the follower ship phase you must perfect yourself and all that you are so you are ready to be an example to others. Follower ship will envitably lead you into leadership.
Once you master follower ship, you start the never ending journey of leadership. Its never ending because no one man can master this skill, one will always be learning new things about leadership. Bossing people around is not being a leader. Your orders should be thought through, and have a greater meaning or purpose behind them. These purposes and meanings are what you learn during the later phase of follower ship and in the beginning phase of leadership. Your primary goal as leader should always be to better your cadets. You must put your people before yourself. You should have learned how to take care of yourself effectively during the follower ship phase.
As you can see, follower ship and leadership are two completely different skill sets, but you must master one before you can move on to the other. If you do not do this than you are not reaching your full potential.You will need both skills all through out your C.A.P. career and your life, so practice now so you can be perfect when you are older and you need to be perfect.
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You need to run it through a spell checker.
Review your apostrophe usage. Its and it's errors are the single most common problem in our language today. A good way to figure out which one to use is to read the sentence out loud as if each instance of either word is written "it is". If it still makes sense, use "it's", otherwise, use "its". Review "your" vs. "you're". Check spacing after punctuation.
CAP can be written as I have it, without the periods.
I would make "followership" one word, to match leadership. I know, the spell checker doesn't like it, but it's not a mainstream word.
If you have MS Word, use it, and its proofing features. Almost all of what I've pointed out will show up in the grammar and spelling checker.
And you haven't earned your Mitchell, in my book, until you've learned to spell it correctly. ;)
I would try to make the sentence structure simpler. For example, this sentence is hard to read, "Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related."
Simplified, it would read, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets." If you wanted to make it "complicated" you could say something like, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets, although they sound very different."
Simplifying your sentence structure will allow your paper to be read more easily, and more effectively communicate your message. Be deliberate in what you write by leaving out the fluff. Removing the fluff will enable you to add more content and stay in your length restriction.
Quote from: jimmydeanno on October 04, 2011, 09:22:37 PM
I would try to make the sentence structure simpler. For example, this sentence is hard to read, "Leadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related."
Simplified, it would read, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets." If you wanted to make it "complicated" you could say something like, "Leadership and followership are two closely related skill sets, although they sound very different."
Simplifying your sentence structure will allow your paper to be read more easily, and more effectively communicate your message. Be deliberate in what you write by leaving out the fluff. Removing the fluff will enable you to add more content and stay in your length restriction.
Well if you want to be exact, he has AT LEAST a comma error in that sentence, probably an error with his ands. Depends if you want to argue about what he meant.
He is using however as an interrupter. It isn't supposed to be. It is supposed to be used as a conjunction. If he was to use it as that, he'd need a semicolon and a comma. This is an example: She can fly a plane very well; however, she failed her FAA exam.
You could make the argument that "they are" is technically a sentence, but it isn't a very good sentence...
/endgrammarnatzi. 8) :-X >:D
Yes, I know I don't have the best grammar on CT, but it is because I don't stress over grammar unless it is for "formal" writing, such as an essay, important emails, important forum post, or something like that.
Again, my standard is probably pretty high, so your local leaders may vary.
Of course, it doesn't fit 5 paragraph format, but that's already been discussed in this thread.
362 words is within parameter. Although fixing some of the grammar and spelling might drop that down to close to the bottom of the range...
The paragraphs are weak.
Non identifiable main ideas. Lack of direct relationship between support sentences and main ideas.
Could you rewrite this paper in outline format? If you did it, would it make sense?
It's pretty conversational. It reads like I might expect to hear your speech.
I prefer for the writing to be more formal, more professional,
less use of the word 'you' (in my opinion it should use that word never)
QuoteLeadership and follower ship sound like two very different skill sets, and they are, however, they are closely related. One could not survive without the other, they depend on each other. With that being said, to be an outstanding Cadet you must master both over your Civil Air Patrol (C.A.P.) Career. The logical place to start is follower ship.
Followership is a single word. Just like leadership.
break this into 2 sentences: and they are. However, they are
The survival/depend sentence is redundant redundant.
The essay prompt you appear to be going for here is: "Explain the difference between followership and leadership."
Yet you have not stated that explicitly in the introduction paragraph.
QuoteFollower ship is the base of your C.A.P. career. You will always find yourself using this skill, even if your a Lt. Colonel. Even though you may be a leader most of the time, you may have to attend activities which require you to be an outstanding follower. To be an outstanding follower does not mean to follow orders blindly. You must have a curiosity to understand why the orders are being given. That way you begin to understand what its like to be a leader. In the follower ship phase you must perfect yourself and all that you are so you are ready to be an example to others. Follower ship will envitably lead you into leadership.
CAP is abbreviated without periods.
your (which means something belongs to you) should be "you are"
Lt. Colonel. should be Lieutenant Colonel or Lt Col. (in either event, no periods except to end the sentence)
envitably -> inevitably (i think that's what you're going for)
I would call that last sentence a logical inconsistency... It's actually leadership that leads you into more leadership, though I guess you could argue the point... I can cite you several examples where followership (indeed even personal excellence) does not inevitably lead you to leadership. You didn't argue the point in this paper, so you don't get credit for making such a profound statement without any evidence or back-up.
QuoteOnce you master follower ship, you start the never ending journey of leadership. Its never ending because no one man can master this skill, one will always be learning new things about leadership. Bossing people around is not being a leader. Your orders should be thought through, and have a greater meaning or purpose behind them. These purposes and meanings are what you learn during the later phase of follower ship and in the beginning phase of leadership. Your primary goal as leader should always be to better your cadets. You must put your people before yourself. You should have learned how to take care of yourself effectively during the follower ship phase.
In fact, you /probably/ start the never ending journey of leadership LONG before you /master/ (the never ending journey of) followership.
QuoteAs you can see, follower ship and leadership are two completely different skill sets, but you must master one before you can move on to the other. If you do not do this than you are not reaching your full potential. You will need both skills all through out your C.A.P. career and your life, so practice now so you can be perfect when you are older and you need to be perfect.
This being a comparison and contrast essay (describe the /difference/ between two things)
I would generally expect to see a structure like this:
Paragraph 1: Introduction / Thesis
Paragraph 2: Definition/Description/Examples of Followership
Paragraph 3: Definition/Description/Examples of Leadership
Paragraph 4: Contrast between the two (how they differ)
Paragraph 5: Conclusion / Reinforcement
An alterntive:
Paragraph 1: Introduction / Thesis
Paragraph 2: Basic definitions of followership and leadership
Paragraph 3: Similarities between followership and leadership
Paragraph 4: Differences between followership and leadership
Paragraph 5: Conclusion/Reinforcement